- vipertongue -

Just because you put “lagi narsis!” as a caption to your picture does not negate that you are, in fact, narcissistic.

Ever notice that Mickey Mouse’ ears always face towards you, no matter which way he turns?  How freaky is a giant gloved rat with swivelling ears, eh?

What’s the difference between fashionistas and foodies?  Foodies don’t assume they can easily be professional chefs simply because they like to eat.  “Secara, gw kan suka baca vogue en gambar-gambar baju, geto lowh!”

You know a book is gonna suck if it’s opening page is a quote by Kahlil Gibran.

If your date ever applies words “enak”, “lucu”, and “rame” respectively to music, clothing, and movies,…  you know what to do.  By God, man.. you know what to do.

How much I like my own design is inversely propotional to it’s chances of selling.

If you are that “me-so-budayawan” guy who wears traditional sarongs to society parties, you may think you look hip and cultured, but in fact you just look like you were circumcized about twenty-five years too late.

There is a very thin line between “kekeluargaan” and “nosy”.

A rule of thumb when it comes to illegal (and legal) drugs:  If they give out free samples, there is a high possibility you’ll be addicted to it.

Life is too short to earn a living doing something you wouldn’t do for free.

If you are ever invited by a corporation to be a speaker, you can always spot the ITB alumnis in the audience.  Just look for the ones sitting with arms folded, slouched with sandal-gunung’d feet splayed out, tilted head, and eyeing you with that skeptical “I am so much smarter than you” expression.

Which, of course, explains why my highschool-educated ass is standing up here, and your ITB-educated ass is sitting down there.

Real men cry at the final scene of “First Blood Part I”.

No, I don’t care how you want to put a spin on it, sometimes there is no “hikmah” to be taken, okay?  Sometimes things really do just suck and that’s just the plain end of it.

If she says she has been to busy to talk to you lately, there is a 84.68% chance that she actually is.  With another guy.

There is a place in Bandung called “Rumah Sosis”.  Which, if translated to english, it would be “The House of Wieners”.  Now, is it just me or does that sound disturbingly creepy?

If an online profile contains the following phrases:  “melancholis sanguinis”, “GBU”, or the absolute worse.. “I’m just a simple person”, step away from your laptop, get an axe, and hack it to pieces.  Oh, and if the picture was taken at Freezeframe Mall Taman Anggrek, please proceed with ripping out your eyeballs.

Nothing makes a woman age faster than wearing little polkadots.  Even more so if she actually refers to them as “bolletjes.”

Be a man.  Be a man and dress like one. No sagging jeans.  No white shoes with thin soles. No retro sneakers with red laces.  No surfer, skate, or satiric logo t-shirts.  No Pete Wentz haircut.  No slouching and foot dragging.  No dorky white plastic glasses.  No european designer manbags.  No pink polo shirts.  No Sour Sally in public.  Stand up straight and walk with confidence.  Wear shirts and jeans that fit properly.  Shoes with soles thicker than your thumb.  A watch thicker than your index finger.  A tattoo that counts.  A leather belt with a buckle so heavy you could bludgeon another man to death with.  Come on, grow a pair and dress like you are worthy of them.

And if you can’t do that, then go work in advertising.

If we have just been introduced, and I am courteous enough to ask what you do for a living, please be kind enough to give me a straight answer. Typical “sengak-ibukota” replies such as “kuli korporat, pembokatnya bos, officeboy, maksiat, jongos, wara-wiri, kutukupret periklanan, kacung, or ya gitu deeeh” are not funny, cute, nor witty.

So unless you happen to be in a lenong betawi, please understand this:  I don’t actually give a damn what your job is, I’m just asking out of politeness sake.

My father always wondered,  when someone dies, why do the cultures with strong beliefs in the afterlife are always the ones that wail hysterically?

I find it amusing how so many of the auto-generated sponsored links on my blog have to do with religion. 

Never trust food reviews that include any of the following phrases: “aduhai”, “lidah bergoyang”, or “amboi lezatnya”.
Under no circumstances should a man ever have the world “gokil” applied to him. And if you ever come across such a man, you know what to do with your belt buckle.

No, I have no wishes for The Little One to grow up and be berguna bagi nusa, bangsa, agama, dan orangtua.  I just want her to have contentment and peace of mind, and all that other delusional crap will pretty much fall into place.

Though keep in mind that the Spanish Inquisitors were, by any definition, berguna for their agama. But for the native americans?  Probably not so much.

Things You Should Never Say When You Visit Me At Work, #42: “So is this one of your creations?”

Any man worth his chesthair should watch at least one David Mamet movie during his lifetime.  I suggest starting out with “Glengarry Glen Ross”.

And no, that “North Sea Jazz Festival” poster you have on your wall does *not* make you look cool.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find the word “mahasiswa”, more often than not, to be an oxymoron?

Girlfriends are like instant noodles.  One pack isn’t enough, two is too much.  But if you use one and a half, you can never quite figure out what to do with that extra half.

When it says “Fun Fearless Female”, what it actually means is “Insecure, Neurotic, and Needy”.

The only thing sadder than having your autograph and comments up on the seleb section of restaurant wall, is actually asking if you could put your autograph up on that wall.

If you ever use the term “sudah capek pacaran”, please allow me to let you in on a little secret:  It means you’ve been doing it wrong. Idiot.

I could never understand the appeal of the caffe latte.  It tastes like warm milk contaminated by coffee. Bleagh.

You know you have been in living in Bandung too long when the only time you see pribumis and chinese eating at the same table is at nasi hainam joints that are located within a 3 kilometer radius of a church on a sunday afternoon.

A few years back, my staff surprised me on my birthday by presenting me with custom baked bread in the shape of a crocodile that was literally the size of my desk.  What they actually meant by it, I never bothered figuring out.

You know you work for MRA if your profile has a picture of you deliberately smoking a cigarette.  Oh, and don’t forget the corporate-issue sengak expression while you are at it.

Prayer is like music. There is no logic, reason, nor point to it, but if it makes you feel good and it doesn’t bother anyone else, then hey… why not?

I find it very amusing how the guys who patronize me with “Lu kapan married, yan… masa mau bujangan terus sampai tua”, are also the same suami-idaman types who always pester me to be introduced to models.

You know you have been living in Jakarta too long when you find the words “KFC” and “lounge” in the same sentence to be a perfectly acceptable idea.

If you are on a date and she says “Terus terus terus?  Cerita dong cerita dong!”, she really has no interest in whatever it is you have to say.  And no, she wasn’t paying attention to the few words you wedged in earlier either.

Besides, whenever someone says that to me, the first thing that comes to my mind is “Whaddaya think I am? A wind-up toy or something? Get yourself something battery powered if you need to be entertained.”

There is good reason why an eligible bachelor is referred to as a “catch”.  Because if not caught (and nailed down under lock and key, if you wish), there is absolutely no logical reason for him to remain in one place. It’s only natural, n’est–ce pas?

If you ever come across an online profile of a bule living in Indonesia whose favorite book is “Love in the Time of Cholera”, has pictures of post-tsunami Aceh with a pompous “This is what I do” as a caption, and listens to “Deep Forest”, slowly stand up, get an axe, and hack your laptop to pieces.

“She was disappointed that you couldn’t commit, that’s why she left you for another guy”.  No, she left me for another guy because… there is another guy.  Period.

I consider Miyabi to be the “Michael Learns to Rock” of her industry.  Even the most rabid GBU chick out there would shamelessly admit she knows of Maria Ozawa.  And the fact that you didn’t use google and know both names also proves my point.

I have observed that there are two kinds of Indonesian students in the U.S.  The first kind makes friends, and the second kind just goes and joins PERMIAS.

And if you are even too pathetic for that, there are always the indo-church youth groups.  Because resistance, my friend… is futile.

John Hughes movies teach you that the shy good-guy always gets the girl and wins in the end.  I personally hold Mr. Hughes accountable for my pathetic wasted teenage years.

One thing I remembered about my father was that he would always introduce himself to my friends by saying his own name. When I was a kid, it sounded rather odd, but now I can see it’s a sign of respect and consideration towards my friends.

Y’know, the fact that a mall has the audacity to call itself “The Pride of Indonesia” says a lot about us as a people.

You know you have been living in Indonesia too long when you quit your job to write a book.   As opposed to writing a book, get published, and only THEN do you quit your job.

I just shaved my head for the first time ever, inspired by Jason Statham.  How did it turn out?  Well, put it this way…  putting lipstick on a pig does not an Anne Hathaway make, does it?

Men who prefer long-haired women tend to sit side-by-side with her with when in restaurants.  Men who prefer short-haired women will sit across from her.

In times of doubt and self-reflection, ask yourself this:  “What would a Tom Clancy character do?”, and niscaya ye shall find the the way, my child.

Everyone has their own personal struggle to deal with.

The next time someone tells me to “Ambil hikmahnya saja, yan..”,…. I have a pretty clear idea where I plan to shove it after I have taken it.


Based on an an informal survey, I have come to the conclusion that women who listen to Il Divo do not necessarily listen to Pavarotti or Bocelli.  Now I must say, this phenomena completely eludes me…


As you may have guessed, yes I am javanese.  Now let me give you a piece of advice:   before hobbling out into a crowded reception area with a blangkon on your head, be absolutely sure to know which end of it faces forward.  Trust me on this one.


Live in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it perfectly acceptable to gesek almost a month’s salary for the latest Blackberry just so you can check your milis-cosmo messages and who poked you on Facebook.


(Or if you happen to work for MRA, make that 3 months salary.) *kevlar vest on and siap kabur*


If you are at a karaoke with your date and she starts singing “I Will Survive” with her eyes closed and penuh penghayatan, slowly stand up, step away, and run for your life.


But then again, if you would actually take your date to a karaoke, well..  let’s just leave it at that, shall we?


Just because someone considers me to be trustworthy and honest, I have absolutely no illusions that he actually respects or likes me as a person.


Actual Indonesian Subtitles I Have Encountered in Movie Theaters, #14:  “My father called the crusades a foolish quest, he said it was vanity to force other men to our religion” - Robin of Locksley, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.  Translation: (not translated).


Actual Indonesian Subtitles I Have Encountered in Movie Theaters, #54:  “There is no fate but what you make.” - John Connor, Terminator 2: Judgment Day.  Translation: (not translated).


Actual Indonesian Subtitles I Have Encountered in Movie Theaters, #12:  “Begone, vampire concubine!” - Abraham von Helsing, Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  Translation: “Enyah kau, nyai-nyai iblis!”.   I did not make that up, I swear!


How to get on my mom’s good side?  If you are ever invited over for a dinner, finish *everything* on your plate.  And be sure to ask for a second and third helping. Or else.


You know a movie is gonna suck big-time if it has a contrived dysfunctional family in it, is reviewed as “whimsical and delightful”, and stars a precocious actress that every Lomo-snapping Aksara Hag aspires to be.


Ian McShane as Wolverine, Tom Selleck as Bruce Wayne, and Steve Martin as me.


Cool name for a chinese restaurant: “Cumgorped (d/h Cumi Goreng Pedas)”


When most of the spam in your inbox is about debt consolidation and not penis enlargement, you know we’re definitely in a recession.


When in doubt, sneer.  Sneer like your life depends on it.


The other day, a friend messaged me: “Heran ga sih, orang-orang pada percaya buku The Secret?  Buku paling idiot.”   My reply was: “Yeah well… I happen know a few other books that are just as idiotic, and with more believers pula…”


You know you have have been visiting Bandung too often if you consider “zuppa zuppa” to be the highest form of culinary achievement.  And you seriously don’t wanna get me started on those frickin’ brownies….


And if you do come to Bandung, please do not ask me where to go clubbing.  Why?  Because I am sick and tired of getting that proverbial SMS at 3AM saying “aduh driii…. crowd / musik / tempatnya koq ga happening / ok / hip gene seeeeeh…. i miss dragonfly… huhuhuhuhu…”


And while we are on the subject:  You know you have been living in Jakarta too long when you instinctively know that simple question of “lu suka clubbing dimana?” is a loaded with socio-economic connotations.


I find myself strangely aroused by movies that have establishing shots where the words “Langley, Virginia” are briefly superimposed on the lower left corner of the screen.  And if accompanied by that pseudo-electronic blipping sound as it types out… oooh yeah baby….


But then again, a few years back I actually made the mistake of going to see local movie called “Jakarta Project”, and it had the exact same “Langley, Virginia” blipping on screen.  But then the scene cut to a generic bule sitting at an ancient PC in a kamar kost with an airconditioner with its cable-remote dangling.  I tried so hard not to laugh out loud I think I fractured a rib.


Why is it that every fitness center always has that one woman with a killer bod who keeps mentioning how fat she is every 2.67 minutes?


I was having drinks at the Hard Rock Cafe at EX the other night and had to go to the men’s room.  But instead of the usual male / female signage, one door had a picture of Marilyn Monroe on it, and the other door had George Michael. Frankly, I couldn’t figure out which one was the men’s room.


Besides, do you seriously want to do your personal business in a public restroom that is associated with George Michael in the first place?


A common theme in my Vancouver friends Facebook albums: On the porch with the kids and dog, hiking on trails, picnic at Stanley Park, kayaking on the lake, cutting down a christmas tree in the snow, skiing at Whistler, marching for a cause. A common theme in my Jakarta friends Facebook albums: Champagne flute and ciggie in hand at Dragonfly or Blowfish (in Biyan batwing blouse with skinny jeans), blitzed and drunk at X2 or Tabac, shopping at Zara sale, posing at Bvlgari or Kudeta, Javajakjazzjiffestsoulnationsundaze-what-have-you, wedding reception at Mulia, premiere of Sex and the City with the “sistas”.


“Lu dulu tinggal di Vancouver di bagian yang miskin gitu kali ya, yan?”


Back when I was still in my teens, I mentioned to my sister that I wanted to become the “Ernest Hemingway of fashion” (hey, gimme a break.. I was young back then).  Her response was: “So you’re gonna blow your head off with a shotgun when you’re 61?”


You know you work in advertising if you have ever used “itu ‘kan maunya klien” as an excuse.  Fine, now sit back and watch me perform Vivaldi on my air Stradivarius.


Move to Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it acceptable to go to music concerts of artists you don’t even normally listen to, just so you can post pictures of  you and your friends on Facebook the following day.


The next person most likely to stab you in the back?  Easy. The one who calls you “sister’”. And no, not in the familial sense of the word.


Wanna know what I hated about living all on my own?  Was it waking up to a lonely silence every morning?  Or was it being greeted by a dark and empty house when you come home in the evening?  Actually, no.  The worst part was opening your fridge every day and knowing exactly what was going to be in there. No surprises, ever.


Oh, except for that one time when I had a years-old jar of mayonnaise in the back of the fridge.   I think it waved at me.


If she says “he’s actually a nice guy if you get to know him better”, you can safely assume he is wealthy. And if he says “she’s actually quite smart but she just doesn’t show it”, you can safely assume she is hot.


Sure, it might be idiotic, but at least  I haven’t heard of buildings bombed or heads hacked off in the name of The Secret.  Have you?


When I go out on dates, I prefer low lit restaurants.  Why? It helps with my bald spot.


If I can teach The Little One how to find her own path to contentment as she grows up to be a young woman, and a version of peace of mind and happiness which is purely her own and not mine or as society defines it, then I would call it a day, pat myself on the back, and consider it a job well done.


And if you dare say “amiiiiiiin”, I swear I’m gonna….


Did you know that “Janet Hsieh” rhymes with “Tina Fey”?  Oh be-have.. Down, boy!


Oh, wanna know my current nickname for The Little One? Kupritus ‘Ndutski.  And no, she is not Polish.


Move to Bandung once in your life.  Leave before you find it cool to give your business an over-inflated name like “Mansion”, “Majesty”, “Opulence” or “Caesar’s Palace”.  And while you are at it, why not slap on an “euy” on the end of it?


Real men don’t drink lychee martinis.  Side effects may include loss of chest hair, low sperm count, or a career in fashion.


Do I take pride in the fact that you found it necessary to use Google at least once in the course of reading this blog entry?  You bet your ass I do. 

Sex is like rempeyek. Y’know, even when it’s not that great, it’s still pretty damn good enough for me.

One should stand up straight, dress appropriately, stride with confidence, and have a firm handshake.  You’d be surprised how far a person can get in life just on that alone.

A man can never own enough knives or multitools.  The fact that he may only use it now and then to break open the little one’s bag of Chiki is entirely beside the point.

If she says “brb” in the middle of a chat, there is exactly a 62.78% chance she is right still there but just doesn’t want to talk to you.

If I could chose a profession based on what I would wear on a daily basis, it would be a reverend, or a Navy SEAL Underwater Demolition Team.  The fact that I have as much faith as my cat and that I couldn’t dog-paddle in a kiddie pool is entirely beside the point.

That being said, there truly is beauty in the monochrome.

People who post blog entries on how fun and fearless it is to be living the single life, actually hate being single.

Especially more so if the aforementioned person watches Sex and the City.  So help you God.

Overheard in theater while watching an adaptation of Shakespeare’s “Henry V”: “Tapi saya belum nonton satu sampai empat…”

I’ve hanged out with the literati - budayawan crowd, and I’ve hanged out with the fashionista - model crowd.  Now take a wild guess, which crowd was most likely to make snap judgments based on someone’s appearance alone, and verbally express it?

It’s generally not a very good idea to travel in countries where the government soldiers still wear sandal jepit.

I think my dad would have loved “The Pursuit of Happyness”.

When it comes to trousers, innovation in design doesn’t sell. (Cue to smart-ass comments by designer-wannabes here.)

In 1984, there was a hit song by Jim Diamond that went “I should have known better, to lie to someone as beautiful as you..“.  The first thing that went through my 12 year old mind was: “So if she is ugly, does it mean it’s okay to lie through your teeth?”

A religious organization in Indonesia is miffed because the upcoming movie “Drupadi” implies that the Mahabharata is just a fictional story.  I find it amusing how one man’s historical fact is just another man’s myth.  Besides, if you can believe in water turning into wine and the parting of the Red Sea, then the idea of a talking white-furred simian shouldn’t be too much of a stretch, should it?

If your date ever orders soup with a pastry-hat, her steak cooked well-done, and a lime squash, slowly stand up, step away, turn around, and run for your life.

Let me guess.  She also prefers Crispy over Original and listens to Josh Groban.

After several years in Indonesia, it dawned upon me that the symbol for Pramuka was, in fact, not a tadpole.

Typical Reactions You Get If You Are Actually Idiotic Enough To Tell People You Design Clothing For A Living #87:  The Friends of My Mom Response: “Sok atuh Adri disainkan untuk tante baju yang bisa bikin langsing, saya mah susah pisan cari baju, maklum kalau sudah berumur udah ngga muda lagi model2 baju.. jangan desain untuk yang langsing2 saja atuh… tante mah suka yang yang ada bolletjes dan…”

The two ‘heads GBU chicks would never listen to:  Radiohead and Portishead.  Seriously, just stick to Il Divo, Susan Wong, and “Oh Carol”.

Fine, I may not wear sagging jeans, distro t-shirts, with funky “me-so-gokil” sneakers, but it doesn’t mean you would ever catch me in a polo t-shirt tucked into bermuda shorts with sockless penny-loafers.  (So there, Affi.  :P  )

A man playing a ukulele is exactly one half a man.  And if he wears Crocs while doing so, well…  let’s just leave it at that…

Girlfriends come and go, but friends are forever.  And if you do not consider your girlfriend first and foremost as a friend, then you know you are doing it wrong.  You idiot.

Several female friends have given me a nickname based on a character in Rudyard Kipling’s “The Jungle Book”.  Could it be Bagheera, the wise and stoic black panther?  Or  the villainous and scheming bengali tiger, Shere Khan?  Or perhaps even Kaa, the cunning boa constrictor?  But nooooo, of course not.  It had to be Baloo, the fat and jovial dancing bear.  Hell, why you’re at it, why not throw me a tricycle and umbrella?  I just might be able to score a gig at a circus somewhere.  Sheeeesh.

Considering how in highschool some friends nicknamed me Valmont from John Malkovich’s character in “Dangerous Liaisons”, I guess life has really been downhill for me ever since…

If I ever see another Indonesian TV spot that uses James Brown’s “I Feel Good”, I swear I am gonna hunt down that “anak agency” and shove his Macbook Pro and his “me-so-gokil-white-sneakers” down his skinny throat.

Okay, what’s worse than posing for pics in front of Hard Rock Hotel’s blue surfboard on Kuta?  Posing for pics in front of the Bvlgari hotel sign. Even more so if you aren’t actually staying there.

I’m a GoodReads kinda guy living in a AdultFriendFinder kinda world.

Did you know that the Indonesian word for "velcro" is "perepet"?  Now if that ain’t a perfect example of onomatopoeia, I don’t know what is.

The
type of women who read "The Purpose Driven Life" tend to marry the type
of men who read "Rich Dad Poor Dad".  And end up sharing a copy of "The
Secret".  GBU!

You know you’re a “Bule with a Mission” if you read books by Allende, Marquez, Naipaul, or anything else with a political turmoil as a backdrop.

Cool name for a band: Dewi McPeaches and the Moldy Persiks.  (You probably have to be a hipster Aksara-Hag to find this one amusing.)

If your date ever uses the term "Yang jahat yang mana?" in reference to movies, slowly step away, turn around, and run for your life.

When a guy says his work involves “memasok ke instansi and general trading”, you can make a safe assumption his dad is a high ranking government official.

A surefire way to never get hired if you are being interviewed by me for Marketing and Sales position: "Mungkin harus fashion show ya, Pak.."

Actually, I wish I could press a red button and the interviewee would plunge into a subterranean pool of bloodfrenzied sharks, ala Dr Evil.

Did you know that the word Boogeyman came from "Bugis"?  Somehow I think our vice president would feel a wee bit smugger if he knew that.

You know you’re a rabid bunda if you think your homemade macaroni schotel and risoles kicks some serious ass.

To learn how to swear with eloquence, drive behind a mikrolet.

I got my first (of potentially many) tattoo a few weeks ago.  It was a decent enough place, with the usual gaggle of tattooed, pierced, mohawked kids
hanging around.   As I was wincing under the needle, that song
"Nothing’s gonna change my love for you" suddenly came on the radio.
And somehow everyone started singing along to it.  Without any hint of
irony, pula.

There is a very good reason why the song doesn’t go "Dontcha wish your boyfriend was hot like me?" instead.

That being said, why do women talk about "sisterhood" so much?  Because deep down inside they know they would walk all over each other when the opportunity presents itself.

When was the last time was anyone was ever killed in the name of Satan?
I think the poor guy sits in Hell going "See what happens when you have
horns and a pointy tail?  You get blamed for eeeeverything!  I get no
respect, I tellya… no respect at all…"

Isn’t it ironic how 95% of the clothing in fashion shows would actually get you arrested by the fashion police?

You know you’ve been in Indonesia too long when you instinctively rate ‘human development’ in various cities according to the franchises established there, i.e. from least developed to most developed: CFC, KFC, McD, Starbucks.

That being said, Wonogiri is still like, a decade away from reaching a KFC level of development..

One
of the very first things I noticed when I moved to Indonesia:  Dogs are
hated and feared, monkeys are considered ugly, and kids love drawing
two mountains with a road down the middle with a sunset and rice
paddies on the right and left of it. And they all wanna grow up to be doctors or engineers.

Things
That You Should Never Trust #67:  Anything that claims to be
"berkhasiat", the type of guys who call you "bos", skincare clinics,
and the smile of a public relations officer.  Especially if she’s a hot babe.

If Yohji Yamamoto does a white cotton shirt, it’s "clean, crisp, minimalist, monastic".  If I do a white cotton shirt, it’s "Kok desainnya gitu doang?  Bahannya gampang kusut pula."

"Iya, tapi jatohnya laen, yan…"

Beware of women who SMS you "Sudah makan, belum? Jangan lupa makan ya, nanti sakit lho…".  Trust me on this one.

Binoche over Alba any day. There is something very attractive about women in her 30’s.

If you think you are going to Hell, don’t forget to pack several bottles of mineral water, a decent pair of sunglasses, and a good supply of sunblock.

I knew I was getting old the day I realized I prefer watching CNN instead of MTV.

Real men don’t use straws. Except with Teh Botol.

Norah Jones will be starring in a film directed by Wong Kar Wai.  Now if that ain’t some budayawan daughter’s wet dream, I dunno what is.

I seriously think I would make a great father. A husband?  Well, let’s not push it, okay…

Move to Bali once in your life.  Leave before you start going all “Bali-er Than Thou” and act smugly superior to Jakartans.

You
know you work in advertising if you wear t-shirts with satiric junk
food logos, listen to Mika, watch Wong Kar Wai, and think that Benyamin
is cool.  "I’m so hip and ironic, I amaze myself sometimes!"

Typical
Responses You Receive If You Are Actually Idiotic Enough to Tell People
You Design Clothing for a Living, #24:  Fashion Student / Designer
Wannabe Response:  "So, lagi ngeluarin koleksi trend apa nih?"

You know you’re a Rabid Bunda if your email address is "(insert your child’s name here)-ku@yahoo.com"

The best literary critique I have ever read: "The
book was both good and original.  The problem is, the good parts
weren’t very original, and the original parts weren’t very good."

How to lose friends and alienate people:  Join an MLM.

When shaving, as in life, always go against the grain.

I would be a rich man if I received a penny everytime I hear a musician wax poetic on how music is a "universal language that crosses boundaries and cultures."

Real men never drink rose’ wine.

Okay, do this.  Listen to Snow Patrol’s "Chasing Cars".  Imagine the words in Indonesian.  Tell me.. doesn’t it sound like a song done by a band that belongs on a KFC billboard?

There are only three things in life that are certain: Death, taxes, and a child’s fondness for spaghetti.

If I ever get married one day, I plan on kneeling down and washing her feet instead.  The look on all of my relatives’ faces?  Priceless!

Some people get married for a greencard.  I think I would get married for a black Amex Centurion card.

Ever
wondered why men’s shirts unbutton and open from the left side, and a
women’s shirts the opposite way? A man uses his right hand to draw his
sword or gun from the left side of his belt, and a woman breastfeeds
using the left breast as it is closest to her heart.  Men kill, women nurture.

So yeah, if you think about it, if all presidents were women, there would be no war.  We’d just have intense negotiations every 27 days or so. 

10
- Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11-
But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham!
Abraham!"  "Here I am," he replied. 12 - "Do not lay a hand on the
boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear
God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son." 13
- Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram [a] caught by
its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.

In short, God said "Dude, you just got Punk’d!"

My advice to malaysian rockers:  Add more fiber to your diet.  You just might sing better.

If you ever survived getting two of your cats into the back of the car to take to the vet, its difficult not come away thinking “Noah, you da man, bro…” regardless of your personal beliefs. 

There are quite a few things that can make you feel good about life.  Watching a child attack a plate of spaghetti is one of them.

You know something is fundamentally wrong when your best defense for it is "Yes, but the book itself teaches peace and goodwill, not violence and hatred."

There is always somebody worse off than you are.  And probably deserved it less, too.

Cool name for a chinese restaurant: "The Ignorant Duck (d/h Cuek Bebek)"

Figure
out what you would gladly do for free.  If you happen to be somewhat
good at it, find out a way to make people pay you some money to
continue doing so.  Top it off with good health, good friends, and some
peace of mind, and hey… you’ve got yourself a pretty decent gig going on there.

"I don’t want to be original.  I want to be good."  - Mies Van Der Rohe, Architect.

Live
in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you start wearing yellow
"Live Strong" bracelets and carry a "I Am Not a Plastic Bag" bag without having a frickin’ clue what its all about.

Okay,
let me get this straight…  I have concerns that you do not fear me
*enough*, therefore, I’ll sucker you into chopping off your son’s
head…  Alriiiiiiiight.  *ngacung jempol*

I never think of long weekends.  I never count my leave.  I prefer my desk.  But if you put a gun on my head and told me to take a vacation, I am taking my laptop with me.  So help you God.

Jawa uber alles.

When a man turns 20, it’s very important that he never uses more than two exclamation marks per email.

Rn’B and Sushi Groove:  What to listen to when you don’t actually like music, where to go when you don’t actually like sushi.  But would like to pretend as if you do.

I think the real reason why Indonesians do Pre-Wedding photography is because they realize how horrible and stressed-out they will look on the wedding day itself.

The slower paced a movie, the better the reviews. Throw in a healthy dose of navel-gazing and voila’, … you got yourself an Oscar.

You know you are an Indonesian fashion designer if you have someone hand you a cellophane-wrapped bouquet of  flowers when you do your kegirangan victory lap at the end of your show.

Never trust a man who smells of Drakkar Noir.  Especially if he wears gold chains and has chest hair.

You know you’re a "Bule with a Mission" when you find it necessary to make a point that you have a favorite Indonesian band.  And to make sure everyone knows about it, so help you God.

If you gotta grind, grind deep.

Never button the lowest button on your suit jacket.  And if you think it’s okay to leave the label stitched on the sleeve… well, we’re not even gonna go there, are we?

Live in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it perfectly acceptable to ship your Harley Davidson by truck so you can ride it in a convoy in Bali.

The other day I was watching a
documentary on aircraft carriers on the Discovery channel.  On the
early carriers, aircrafts would land on the flight deck parallel to the
long axis of the ship’s hull, and park at the end of the runway.  If a
jet overshot its landing, it would crash into the parked aircrafts.  It
took a decade of fiery deaths before someone finally came up with the
idea of an angled runway, so the landing jet would not hit the parked
aircrafts and simply go airborne again.  Keep this in mind the next
time you have the urge to beat yourself silly over a mistake you have made.

If you cannot be happy on your own, you will never be happy with someone else.

When you ask someone what his favorite movies are and he answers with names of directors instead of movie titles, its his way of saying "I am hipper than thou, you puny pedestrian scum."

Either that, or he works in advertising.  Same difference.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll ask you to pay for the sewa lapak and some uang rokok.

Yes, I do consider riding an ojek during rush hour in Mangga Dua to be an extreme sport. How I have managed to keep both of my kneecaps intact is beyond me.

The smaller her dog, the more emotionally fragile she is.

When my parents were
struggling immigrants in the ’60s, all we could afford were the
cheapest cuts of a chicken, namely the backs and necks.  For the
longest time we thought that was all a chicken consisted of, until we
saw KFC commercials on TV with slow-motion tumbling pieces of
drumsticks, wings, and breasts. My sister and brother said “Hey…. hold on… what part of a chicken is that?”

Now is it just me, or does "klappertaart" really sound like a dutch sailor’s venereal disease?

When a man turns 25, he should refrain from dating women who have an aversion to DVDs with laurel wreaths on its cover. Regardless of how much of a hot babe she might be.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes with her arms folded.

The worse the spelling, the higher the probability he was educated in the U.S.  Definately.

The girl at the italian ice cream stand at Ciwalk is really cute.  Don’t tell her you read it here.

The more respectable and prominent an Indonesian family is, the more skeletons are squeezed tightly in their closet screaming to be let out.

Move to Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it perfectly acceptable for a radio-station to call itself “Hard Rock FM” and play Celine Dion.

Now let me get this clear:  You wouldn’t go near durian, and yet you’ll eat blue cheese?

After
three and a half centuries of struggle, Indonesia declared its
independence 11 days after the U.S. dropped the atom bomb on
Hiroshima.  You do the math.

The
tip of your tie should fall at the exact center of your belt.  Any
shorter and you would look clown-ish, any longer and it would look like
you are desperately compensating.

Give God a break.   If it ain’t important, don’t waste a prayer on it.

You know you’re a "Bule with a Mission" if you have Phillip Glass, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan or Youssou N’Dour on your iPod.

Malaysia: Truly Indonesia

Even when 34A fits better, they will always wear 34B. Trust me on this one.

“Kan tergantung merek!”   Yeah, go ahead and tell yourself that if it makes you feel better about it. 

The only thing worse than movies about artists?  Movies about writers.  And even worse than that?  Movies about writers without a substance abuse problem. 

Ayam Negeri: The same, only with desk jobs.

Nothing makes you feel better about your own life than making yourself watch an episode of "Cops".

I have a question to the guy who discovered "Kopi Luwak":  In the name of all that is holy, what the hell were you thinking?

Move
to Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it perfectly
acceptable to own the latest Nokia Communicator and just use it to make calls, send SMS and giggle over .3gp clips.

I find as much beauty and emotion in Tiesto as I do in Bach.

At the end of the day, it really does come down to this:  Marry the one person you love having conversations with. The sex won’t be that great after you are sixty anyways.

When I first moved here, for a while I thought the majority of Indonesians were fluent and understood Arabic.  Well, little did I know…

You know you’re Indonesian fashion designer if you have ever used the following words to name your seasonal collection: "Elegy", "Rhapsody", or "Sonata".

I don’t care what they say, watching a documentary *is* just as good as reading a book on the subject.  Elitist pigs.  Pffffft.

Sometimes "just be yourself" is just about the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.

"Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool." -Anonymous

When a woman says "We need to talk", what she really means is:  "I talk, you listen.  Any lip from you and I swear I will go Oprah all over your sorry ass, so help you God."

Pembokatus Interruptus:  When the maid walks in.

One of the first things you learn when you work in the fashion industry is that “beauty” and “attractiveness” are two very different things.

Many Indonesians get married out of fear, not because of love.  Fear of parents, relatives, society, being alone, financial insecurity and the ticking clock.

Yes,
I realize buying pirated movies and music is wrong.  But after watching
“MTV Cribs”, I simply stopped caring.  If you can sit on the toilet,
press a button, and a 55” HDTV rises from your bathroom floor, you don’t need my measly rupiahs. 

Real men don’t eat rujak. Or quiche, for that matter.

What happened to "Random Shallow Thoughts"?
Shouldn’t this be Random Shallow Thoughts 14?  Haven’t I read some of
these entries before?  Whats with the "plus" sign?  Isn’t there a
monthly column called Random Non Sequiturs (without a plus sign) in
Jakarta Post’s Weekender magazine now?

Long story.  Don’t ask.

I hope that one day we will live in a world free of budayawans who listen to jazz, read Kahlil Gibran, and name their children in sanskrit.

If thou must covet thy neighbour’s wife, a pair of binoculars and a comfortable spot on the genteng sure come in handy.  Uh-huh.

If you cannot be happy on your own, you will never be happy with someone else.

You know you’re old when you can remember watching five versions of Alphaville’s video "Big in Japan".  On Betamax pula.

Aspirations?  Gregory House.  Reality?  George Costanza.

You know you work in advertising when your profile picture is Photoshopped to death.  Not that it ever helps. So, like, just give up why don’t you.

I don’t care what they say, revenge brings comfort.  If it doesn’t, it means you just didn’t pull it off properly.

Either that, or you ain’t a Capricorn.

Typical
Responses You Receive If You Are Idiotic Enough To Tell People You
Design Clothing For A Living, #37: The Fashion Designer Response: You
won’t get one.  Fashion designers are much too jaim, insecure, and neurotic to even acknowledge there is another fashion designer in the room.

The happiest people on earth?  Those guys on Mythbusters. 

“To determine how a person really is, don’t read the testimonials on her profile.  Read the ones she has written for others.” - Rini Soka

Never, ever, subscribe to someone else’s definition of happiness.  You know whats right for you, and its your own skin you have to live in.

Live
in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you start wearing yellow
"Live Strong" bracelets and carry a "This is Not a Plastic Bag" bag without having a fucking clue what its all about.

Real men exfoliate.

When
my mom was young, she said she would marry any man who could take her
around the world several times.  And that, she did.  When she met my
father, she was a highschool english teacher and my dad delivered the newspaper to her house.  Hey, if that ain’t foresight, I dunno what is.

Speak softly and carry a spring-loaded tactical baton.

If,
out of the blue, a female friend who normally wouldn’t even give you
the time of day suddenly contacts you, bet on one of two things:  Either she just had a baby, or is expecting one.

You know you’re a “Bule With a Mission” if you cannot resist drawing parallels between shadow puppets, Javanese animist beliefs, and the political situation in Indonesia while boring dinner guests with pseudo-intellectual takes on current affairs.

I remember the first time me and my brother and sister tried eating rice with our hands.  We looked like rejects out of "Quest for Fire".

With a few notable exceptions, generally a person’s level of respect for me is inversely proportional to the length of our acquaintance.

I think the idea that one should quit smoking to extend his or her life is stupid.  Hey, I’d gladly give up two years off the tail-end of my life so I can enjoy Nasi Campur Kenanga every now and then. 

The difference is, I don’t wanna go through life squirming in long meetings because I am dying for my next bite of samchan.  Neither do I wanna leave my house in my jammies at ungodly hours because I am out of chasiew.

If you are over the age of 30 and still have "Fancy Night" stories to tell… well…  I’m not even gonna *start* on that one…

The type of women who order vodka cruisers are the types who think they are bad-ass chicks because they have watched a midnight show at Sineplex 21.  And still manage to get to church on time the following morning.

Ever notice how the aforementioned women always post pictures of themselves at weddings at Hotel Mulia, posing with cousins or some “sis”?  GBU!

The
first time I take a date to a wedding is usually a nervous moment for
me.  I know I am gonna get into trouble for this, but I truly think
that 90% of women are at their least attractive when dressed up for wedding receptions.

(Yes, that also explains why I hate designing evening gowns.)

In the end, life unfolds pretty much any which way it damn well pleases.  Whether we like it or not.

Does God exist?  I certainly hope so.  After all, wouldn’t it be such a shame if centuries of war, violence, and hatred were all committed in the name of… a mass delusion?  Oh we certainly wouldn’t want that, would we?

Ever noticed how characters on TV always tilt their heads sideways when watching porn?  Exactly what anatomical part becomes more clear by viewing it slanted anyways?

I think the real reason why Indonesians do Pre-Wedding photography is because they realize how horrible and stressed-out they will look on the wedding day itself.

Live
in Jakarta once in your life.   Leave before you start coming to
Bandung for weekends, wear your hotel slippers to stupid tourist cafes
with your sunglasses perched on your noggin, talk decibels louder than
everyone else, swagger around like you own the place, and think those
frickin’ brownies are actually good. “Yo’i, jek.”

And you know whats even worse?  You can always tell exactly which tables are the MRA chicks, the advertising hipsters, the cap-and-sneaker-wearing EOs, or the distro-wearing PH guys.

Did you know that you can lead a cow to go upstairs, but it cannot go downstairs?  Hey, that sounds like a cool idea for a prank…

We all die alone.  Even if we have children, we all die alone.  If you think they would join you, then you are seriously overestimating their love.

Sushi Groove:  Where to go if you don’t actually like sushi but would like to look as if you do.

When kissing someone for the first time, always manage a quick peek to check if she has her eyes closed. If they are wide open, start worrying.

I am proud to say that I have never finished reading a Haruki Murakami novel. God knows I tried, though.  Oh man, does God ever know I tried…

I listen to bands that aren’t even on Wikipedia yet.  Man, its so hip its actually tragic.

My father once told me that we can marry anyone of our choosing, even the mbok pembantu if we wanted to, as long as it was truly based on love.
Considering how none of us are married by now, this is definite proof
to the theory that children will do the exact opposite of what their
parents permit them to do. 

The internet can give someone a false sense of wisdom.  And even worse, a soapbox to stand on.  *cough cough*

Never get drunk before your employees do. And if your secretary is a hot babe, stick to orange juice.

I was Hugh Hefner for Halloween once.  I wore a silk bathrobe,
slippers, with a cigar and a snifter of cognac.  The only thing missing
was Miss October as elbow-candy.

Anthony Bourdain is a "Bule with a Mission".
Anyone who would praise a half-cooked iguana in Ecuador and diss a New
York hotdog is a pretentious prick.  There, I said it. Pfffft.

The only thing worse than watching interviews of models and designers on FTV is watching it with the volume actually turned on.

How many over-40-year-old FSRD ITB alumnis
does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  One to screw it in, and a dozen
more having a meeting on how the screwing in of the lightbulb can be
affiliated with ITB in any possible way.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lightbulb_jokes

That being said, there is a very thin line between “being consistent” and just.. not..  really..  going..  anywhere…

Yes, I am fully aware that Random Shallow Thoughts 11 was lame.  Perhaps you would like to step outside and tell it to my face one more time.  No? Just as I thought.

Do I smoke?  Not if its legal.

Figure
out what you would gladly do for free.  If you happen to be somewhat
good at it, find out a way to make people pay you some money to
continue doing so.  Top it off with good health, good friends, and some
peace of mind, and hey… you’ve got yourself a pretty decent gig going on there.

The idea of taking a Rorschach Test scares me.  I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Proof that George Lucas is Indonesian, #65: Dengar (the one-eyed bounty hunter), Toba (a Gungan warrior), Padawan (well it kinda sounds Indonesian, doesn’t it?).

When
I was 17, I used to date a girl who was proficient at making pipe bombs
and explosives.  She even knew how to rig a detonator for plastique C-4
out of a car battery.  Her nickname?  Kitty.

You know a woman has a lot of percaya diri when she says "Hey, I see you’re not on my friend list anymore.  Did you close your account?".  True story, by the way.

How on earth did we ever come to accept the fact that fundamentalism in any organized religion has more to do with hatred and violence than it does with acceptance and compassion?

A
few years ago, while playing Airsoft, I took a point-blank shot from an
AR-15 carbine on the left side of my nose.  I had an open wound gushing
blood.  The following day I had an interview with Harper’s Bazaar.  Now you know why the I was facing left in the article’s picture.

At least if I was interviewed by "Soldier of Fortune", I would have had an easier time explaining myself to the stylist. 

“It’s all good.”  There is something very peaceful about these three words.  I wouldn’t mind having it engraved on my urn one day.

My father once told me that his sons and daughter owe him nothing.  He said that we owe it to our own children instead one day.  Seeing our social lives as of late, it looks like me, my brother, and my sister are definitely impas bandar!  Ehehehe….

Besides..
when you think of it, to go through the whole trouble of creating a
life and then punishing it for not praising you… I mean, how nuts is
that idea anyways?  Thank God my dad wasn’t that narrow-minded and insecure. 

While we are on the subject, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  Could someone please explain the concept of "Hell" to me?

Hey, if alcohol isn’t your cuppa tea, I’m cool with that.  But it doesn’t mean you may order a vodka cruiser.  Not on my watch, you won’t.

A mocktail? Try me.  Just go ahead and see what happens.

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t watch low-quality porn.

Y’know, being able to remain on good terms with your ex-girlfriends means something.  Ain’t sure what, exactly.  But it’s all good.  It really is.

I would be a rich man if I got a penny everytime I read an interview of an Indonesian artist whining his or her ass off about "seni di Indonesia tidak didukung pemerintah".  (Boy, is Farah Wawah sooo gonna get me on this one…)

The main reason I channel surf is because sticking to one channel is too much of a commitment.

I have a dream…  that one day we will live in a world free of online poseurs who call themselves “pelacur”, “pecun”, “banci”, or “penjahat”.  I eat you and your type for breakfast, spit out the bones, and manage to watch my saturday morning cartoons while I am at it.

If you gotta lose, lose with grace.  And if you ever figure out how to pull that off, please do email me.

I still believe that marriage is the excess of meeting someone you cannot imagine living another day without.  Excess.  It is not a goal in itself.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People: Join an MLM.