- vipertongue -

8 out of the 10 times I say “untuk apa?”, what I actually mean is “I cannot afford it.”

Real men don’t wear white shoes. Sneakers? Okay, I’ll cut you some slack.

You know you are in the wrong type of business when at industry gatherings, you are the only guy at the table who isn’t wearing a feather boa, full makeup, and blowing air kisses to fellow males.

Those Things Women Say, Number 592: “He’s actually a nice guy if you get to know him better.”

You know you work in advertising if you have put on a huge afro wig at least once in your life. Either that or you went to FSRD ITB.

Women who like romantic men paling gampang dikibulin. Deservedly so.

A country as overpopulated as Indonesia needs more smokers. Hey, impotence has its benefits.

My problem with “Sex in the City” is that if you made the exact same show but substituted the female characters for males, there would be outraged women protesting in no time, claiming it is chauvinistic and offensive.

But yeah, Charlotte does make my knees weak.

If you have to remind someone every single day, five times a day, using a bloody loudspeaker nonetheless, he probably doesn’t really want to do it in the first place, alright? Sheeesh.

When you are local, you always have to explain and defend your own label. When you go to Mango, do you ever ask them if its harummanis, kweni, or golek?

How can you take french porn seriously when all they say is “Ouiii… ouiii….. OOUUIIII!!!”?

Not that *I* ever take porn seriously. Well, except when its Japanese. Starring Maria Ozawa.

Its not that I have too much time on my hands. Its just that you don’t think.

Its not that I am just too bitchy. Its just that you don’t think.

Its not that you have more deep and important things to think about. Its just that you don’t think.

Its not because I am defensive that I put a “shallow” in the title. Actually, come to think of it, yes it is!
A building collapses. Two hundred people die, one baby survives. Now let me get this clear… that’s a miracle to be thankful for? How does that logic work, exactly?

Nothing is worse than a verbose fitting model who aspires to be a designer.

Don’t tell me what type of person you are. I’ll observe your behaviour and make my own conclusions, thank you very much.

Move to Jakarta once in your life. Leave before your weekends consist of “dari mall ke mall”.

The chances of a Project Runway contestant winning is inversely proportional to how much I like his or her designs.

Most Indonesians get married out of fear, not out of love. Fear of parents, extended family, society, and the ticking clock.

If you are the type to ever say “I don’t care about what I wear as long as its comfortable”, please allow me to dye it pink top to bottom. After all, its all about comfort and being “real”, right?

And if you are that type of person, I bet that if you were given a choice between Buavita and Gula Asem, you would probably choose the latter. And you went to FSRD ITB.

As an entrepreneur, its important to create something from scratch. Not license, not franchise, not distribute, but to create.

If you say you aspire to build a company to last a hundred years, quite a few business people will laugh at you. Just keep in mind that these are also the same guys who believed that some guy actually walked on water.

If we are supposed to be vegetarians, then why are animals so tasty?

Anyone who thinks that the rules of morality can be neatly written down, probably doesn’t know very much about it.

Why is it that bule guys here always make snide comments on how Indonesians watch too much crappy TV and own no books, while at the same time only date poultry-esque (yes, I personally coined that term) women who never read anything beyond Kosmopolitan? If she is even literate, that is.

Of course capricorns forgive. We just don’t forget.

R&B: Music for people who don’t really like music but pretend to.

Real men never type “hiks”.

Just because she wears a size L shirt, does not mean she wears size L underwear. Shop at your own risk.

Hong Kong movies sacrifice logic for the sake of action. French movies sacrifice logic for the sake of an underlying philosophy. Indonesian movies sacrifice logic for the sake of… I dunno, you tell me.

The four scariest words a woman can say: “We need to talk.”

Most employees think they are smarter than their bosses.

People who say “I don’t care about money” always seem to have it.

Its not that you actually like using PC and Windows. You just haven’t used a Mac yet.

The better looking a woman is, the less grateful she will be if you do her a favor. But again, the average guy probably wouldn’t notice either.

The problem with wanting kids is that you have to have a wife first. How awfully irritating.

Did you know that the word Boogeyman came from “Bugis”? Somehow I think our vice president feels a wee bit more smugger knowing that. (kudos to Farah Wawah for that tidbit)

How my employees put up with me year after year is beyond me.

The hardest part of learning Bahasa Indonesia is figuring out how to use “lho, kok, deh, dong, and lah.” And if you live in Bandung, let us not forget about the “euy”, shall we?

I wear glasses as an illusion of intelligence.

Besides, if LASIK is so safe, why don’t they ever do both eyes at one go?

Its ironic that cigarette ads always feature determined and strong willed individuals, while the whole reason people are addicted to smoking in the first place are because of opposite characteristics altogether.

Beware of women who say “Sudah makan, belum? Jangan lupa makan ya, nanti sakit lho…”. Trust me on this one.

Its easier to preach hatred and do-nots than it is to preach love and please-do.

At the intersection of Cipaganti Pasteur, from the direction of Cihampelas, there is a cigarette guy who has an uncanny resemblance to James Woods.

Asians, as a rule, do not understand the concept of privacy.

How can you disavow a religion if you never consciously converted? And no, your dad whispering into your ear when you were a baby does *not* count.

Those Things Women Say, Number 48: “I like a man with a sense of humor.” Ha!

If a girl on the internet asks you “kamu orang mana?” within the first 30 minutes, no need to ask her the same question. She’s chinese. Take my word for it.

The Harley Davidsons at Coffee Bean Plaza Senayan? Oh man, you really don’t want me to started on *those* guys…. pfeh!

My siblings and I are the first generation to use the name Darmono. And seeing our social lives as of late, looks like we’re gonna be the last, too. heh heh…

Have character. Try not to be one.

Skinny guys in hats actually try to be characters.

The type of parents who ask “dia anaknya siapa?” are not worthy of being parents. Or even human.

Please explain the concept, justification, and reasoning behind the theological “Hell” to me. Thank you. One more time, please.. without being so defensive about it.

Dude, if you have suspicions that she’s matre, well then hey, she most probably is, okay? Wake up and smell the nicotine, why don’t you.

Blood is thicker than water. And much tastier, too.

You know you work in advertising if you think Benyamin is cool. “I’m so hip and ironic, I amaze myself sometimes!”

My dad taught me that both a Rolex and a cheapo Casio will tell you pretty much the same time.

My dad also taught me to stay away from people who say “Its not about the time it tells, its what it says about you.”

But its never a good idea to wear a Rolex and Casio together. You’ll never know exactly what time it is.

If you ever watch an interview of the Dalai Lama, its pretty hard not to come away thinking “damn, he seems like a really, really pleasant and happy guy”, regardless of your personal beliefs.

If I ever have a daughter, I am going to name her “Lenowi”. It means “precious” in Cherokee.

A son? Hmm. Never really crossed my mind, to be honest.

My best ideas always come to me when I am in the shower. But only when alone, though.

Move to Bali once in your life. Leave before you start acting smugly superior to Jakartans.

Rempeyek: Even when its bad, its still pretty damn good.