- vipertongue -

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll ask you to pay for the sewa lapak and some uang roko’.

Never, ever take a first date to a restaurant that has pictures and signatures of Indonesian “selebritis” on the wall.  Come to think of it, just never go there, period.

I consider any day above ground to be a decent enough day.

Ancient civilizations worshipped cats as gods.  And if you see how my cats behave, they make sure that you never, ever forget that little fact.

Its harder to be kind than it is to be clever.  Oh man, its damn near impossible, I tell you.

When a guy says his work involves “memasok ke instansi dan perdagangan umum”, you can make a safe assumption his dad is a high ranking government official.

How could anyone not tap their feet or play air drums by the end of Coldplay’s “Fix You”?

If her listed hometown is along the lines of “Boston – Jakarta – Singapore – Melbourne”, its probably not a very good idea to take her to a warung for dinner.

One of the most common misperceptions about me is that I cannot eat in warungs.

Look, even if all you read is Krayon Sinchan and Donal Bebek, for crying out loud, just LIE.  Do what everyone else does: say Kahlil Gibran instead.  Hell, while you are at it, throw in some Pramoedya for good measure.

The complexity and craft of a regional cuisine says a lot about its people.  Case in point: sundanese food such as nasi tutug and sambal dadak.  Okay, ‘nuff said.

Mothers who make their children call them “bunda” usually wear PS and read Femina.  Beware.

The type of guys who marry the aforementioned mothers tend to have thin moustaches and say things like “gimanapun juga kita hidup di timur, ian…”. 

Please, its “dri”.  Not “ian”.

If you see a profile where the Movie section is filled with director names instead of movie titles, its basically his way of saying “I am hipper than thou, you puny pedestrian scum”. 

Either that, or he works in advertising.

My dad taught me to live a life with no regrets.  I do my best, but when you have made as many mistakes as I have, its not exactly a piece of cake.  It’s the mistakes towards others that are the hardest to live with.

Nonetheless, he still made sense.  Life is too short to be burdened by regrets, so try to minimize it.  At the end of your term on earth, it’s the regrets that inevitably come back to haunt you.

How to Spot a Beginner Designer, #23: They sign their name on every. single. bloody. sketch they make,
assuming that someone will copy it and gain fame and fortune off the oh-so-precious design, so help you God.

Real men wear the watch on the outside of the wrist.

Project Runway contestants can finish an elaborate dress from design on paper to runway presentation within 12 hours, without any help whatsoever.  Either they work at roadrunnerbeepbeep speed (with absolutely no time to bitch about each other, of course), or my entire production team has been pulling wool over my eyes for the past twelve years.

The ones who say “apa aja yang enak di kuping” usually listen to R&B.

In Bandung, the only time you would see a large group of young Chinese and Pribumis together at the same table at a restaurant is on a Sunday, because they just happen to attend the same church and decided to have lunch afterwards.

The two greatest motivators are fear and love.  And if that doesn’t work, try free iPods.

Refrain from speaking immediately after downing a packet of Waisan.  Trust me.

I am eternally grateful to whoever invented Waisan.

My mom is 70 years old.  Last year she went to Brisbane on her own, and stayed with my dad’s ex-girlfriend from his college years there.  Now is that like, totally cool or what?  ☺

If I ever tried calling my mom “bunda”, she would probably roll on the floor, laughing.

Move to Bandung once in your life.  And if you happen to hate those “Slow Down!” signs and have a flamethrower you would like to put to good use, hey by all means, stick around!

Missy Elliot and Gwen Stefani: Skinny Guys In Hats.  So are Jamiroquai and Kevin Federline.

The next time you see a bunch of cool young Jakartans posturing, preening, and spouting in magazines because they are the sole distributor or license holder of a hot foreign brand, fashion label, or café, just keep this in mind:  Chances are, the creator of the brand doesn’t-even-know-they-exist.

For a lot of Indonesian women, its not a matter of meeting Mr. Right.. it’s a matter of meeting Mr. Right-Now.  Now, damn it, NOW!!  I ain’t gettin’ any frickin’ younger, am I!?!

It’s important to surround yourself with people who can offer you a bit of happiness and well being.  And to avoid reading blogs that offer nothing but neurotic insecurity parading as jaded, smart-ass cynicism.

No career move you make will ever go smoothly, make no mistake about it.  But the option is simply that..  to not move at all.

My brother told me that Alex and Eddie Van Halen lived in Semarang once when they were kids.

If you ever survived getting two of your cats into the back of the car to take to the vet, its difficult not come away thinking “Noah, you da man, bro…” regardless of your personal beliefs.