- vipertongue -

To learn how to swear with eloquence, drive behind an angkot.

When a woman uses the term "rame ngga?" when referring to movies, carefully step away, turn around,  and run for your life.

There are only three things in life that are certain: Death, taxes, and a child’s fondness for spaghetti.

Its hard not to smile when you see a child attack a plate of spaghetti.  It reminds you of all that is good, decent, and worth living for in the world.

Vodka tonic with a twist of lime.  And make it a double, please.

I knew I was getting old the day I realized I prefer watching CNN instead of MTV.

You know you’re a “Bule with a Mission” if you ridiculed the Angelina Jolie movie “Beyond Borders”.

Its only considered sexual harassment if the guy is fat, balding, and hairy.  If he was a male model, the entire office would know by lunchtime the following workday.  I know it, you know it, so just bloody admit it.

I wonder if He ever thought to Himself  “Granting humans free will?  Whoa.  Now that was a mistake.”

Nothing takes your mind off your daily problems better than wearing a pair of brand new shoes that are too small.

If I were  a geneticist, the first thing I would do is engineer the seedless duku.  The second thing is I would clone Eva Green.

There are two types of women.  The Kosmopolitan Vacuumheads who think they know everything about fashion, and the Pretentious Pramoedyas who proudly claim they know nothing about it (and usually look the part, too).

Whatever happens, get up.  Just get up and do it again.

Repeat.

How to Spot a Beginner Designer, #56:  They still think its cool to debate the dichotomy of art and commerce.

When bules spout grand, sweeping Politically Correct statements of Indonesians, they always compliment and praise us “as a people”.  But when it comes to the plain day-to-day comments, they have nothing but “TDC”, or Thinly Disguised Contempt.

In no way am I implying that we, as Indonesians, do not deserve the aforementioned TDC.

Other people don’t think of you as often as you might think they do.  Like you, they have better things to do with their time.

Its all fun and games until someone ruptures a spleen.

Move to Bali once in your life. Leave before start acting “Bali-er Than Thou” and think all Jakartans are poseurs because “kalo di Bali sih, you can go clubbing in shorts and sandals.. cuek aja lagi…”

But if you ever, ever pose for a picture in front of Hard Rock Café on Kuta, I swear I’ll hunt you down and shove an oversized blue surfboard down your throat and throw you to a school of blood-frenzied makos.

To make your daily emails seem more trustworthy than you actually are as a person, use the typeface Garamond.

By some random cosmic twist of fate, I was truly fortunate to end up being the son of my particular set of parents and not someone else’.  I am forever grateful for that.

No, I will not make any assumptions that they feel the same about me.

Robbie Williams reminds me of the type of guys who work in advertising.  If you think that is a compliment in any shape or form,  oh man… you are sorely mistaken.

If I saw a pretty woman in the rain by the side of the road, I wouldn’t offer her a ride.  Why?  Because once I didn’t offer a ride to an old man in the rain by the side of the road either.

Oh, and you would, did you say?  Well, aren’t we just so pleasantly noble.

Abraham Lincoln, 1860: “When I do good, I feel good.  When I do bad, I feel bad.  That’s my religion.”

Did I feel bad about the old man in the rain?  You bet your ass I did.  So if you are cute and shivering in the rain and I just pass you by, its nothing personal.  Really.

Weeeelll…  if you have short hair and wear glasses, I might make an exception.  So much for principles.  Sigh.

In Indonesia, its perfectly acceptable to buy a concert ticket for hundreds of thousand rupiahs without being a fan, or even owning  single album of the artist featured.

When buying a suit, the fit of the shoulders is the most important thing to consider. Its better to wear a cheap abang2-made polyester suit that fits properly, than a fine wool Ermenegildo Zegna with drooping shoulders.  You’d be surprised to see how many self-proclaimed "stylish" men dress that way.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes with her arms crossed.

Skinny Guy in a Hat: The guy that voices "Frozz, permen dingin menyegarkan".

Nothing makes a woman age faster than wearing little polkadots.

If you think you are going to Hell, don’t forget to pack several bottles of mineral water, a decent pair of sunglasses, and a good supply of sunblock.

The difference between love and sex?  Various degrees of friction.