- vipertongue -

Move to Bali once in your life.  Leave before you start going all “Bali-er Than Thou” and act smugly superior to Jakartans.

You
know you work in advertising if you wear t-shirts with satiric junk
food logos, listen to Mika, watch Wong Kar Wai, and think that Benyamin
is cool.  "I’m so hip and ironic, I amaze myself sometimes!"

Typical
Responses You Receive If You Are Actually Idiotic Enough to Tell People
You Design Clothing for a Living, #24:  Fashion Student / Designer
Wannabe Response:  "So, lagi ngeluarin koleksi trend apa nih?"

You know you’re a Rabid Bunda if your email address is "(insert your child’s name here)-ku@yahoo.com"

The best literary critique I have ever read: "The
book was both good and original.  The problem is, the good parts
weren’t very original, and the original parts weren’t very good."

How to lose friends and alienate people:  Join an MLM.

When shaving, as in life, always go against the grain.

I would be a rich man if I received a penny everytime I hear a musician wax poetic on how music is a "universal language that crosses boundaries and cultures."

Real men never drink rose’ wine.

Okay, do this.  Listen to Snow Patrol’s "Chasing Cars".  Imagine the words in Indonesian.  Tell me.. doesn’t it sound like a song done by a band that belongs on a KFC billboard?

There are only three things in life that are certain: Death, taxes, and a child’s fondness for spaghetti.

If I ever get married one day, I plan on kneeling down and washing her feet instead.  The look on all of my relatives’ faces?  Priceless!

Some people get married for a greencard.  I think I would get married for a black Amex Centurion card.

Ever
wondered why men’s shirts unbutton and open from the left side, and a
women’s shirts the opposite way? A man uses his right hand to draw his
sword or gun from the left side of his belt, and a woman breastfeeds
using the left breast as it is closest to her heart.  Men kill, women nurture.

So yeah, if you think about it, if all presidents were women, there would be no war.  We’d just have intense negotiations every 27 days or so. 

10
- Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11-
But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham!
Abraham!"  "Here I am," he replied. 12 - "Do not lay a hand on the
boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear
God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son." 13
- Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram [a] caught by
its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.

In short, God said "Dude, you just got Punk’d!"

My advice to malaysian rockers:  Add more fiber to your diet.  You just might sing better.

If you ever survived getting two of your cats into the back of the car to take to the vet, its difficult not come away thinking “Noah, you da man, bro…” regardless of your personal beliefs. 

There are quite a few things that can make you feel good about life.  Watching a child attack a plate of spaghetti is one of them.

You know something is fundamentally wrong when your best defense for it is "Yes, but the book itself teaches peace and goodwill, not violence and hatred."

There is always somebody worse off than you are.  And probably deserved it less, too.

Cool name for a chinese restaurant: "The Ignorant Duck (d/h Cuek Bebek)"

Figure
out what you would gladly do for free.  If you happen to be somewhat
good at it, find out a way to make people pay you some money to
continue doing so.  Top it off with good health, good friends, and some
peace of mind, and hey… you’ve got yourself a pretty decent gig going on there.

"I don’t want to be original.  I want to be good."  - Mies Van Der Rohe, Architect.

Live
in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you start wearing yellow
"Live Strong" bracelets and carry a "I Am Not a Plastic Bag" bag without having a frickin’ clue what its all about.

Okay,
let me get this straight…  I have concerns that you do not fear me
*enough*, therefore, I’ll sucker you into chopping off your son’s
head…  Alriiiiiiiight.  *ngacung jempol*

I never think of long weekends.  I never count my leave.  I prefer my desk.  But if you put a gun on my head and told me to take a vacation, I am taking my laptop with me.  So help you God.

Jawa uber alles.

When a man turns 20, it’s very important that he never uses more than two exclamation marks per email.

Rn’B and Sushi Groove:  What to listen to when you don’t actually like music, where to go when you don’t actually like sushi.  But would like to pretend as if you do.

I think the real reason why Indonesians do Pre-Wedding photography is because they realize how horrible and stressed-out they will look on the wedding day itself.

The slower paced a movie, the better the reviews. Throw in a healthy dose of navel-gazing and voila’, … you got yourself an Oscar.

You know you are an Indonesian fashion designer if you have someone hand you a cellophane-wrapped bouquet of  flowers when you do your kegirangan victory lap at the end of your show.

Never trust a man who smells of Drakkar Noir.  Especially if he wears gold chains and has chest hair.

You know you’re a "Bule with a Mission" when you find it necessary to make a point that you have a favorite Indonesian band.  And to make sure everyone knows about it, so help you God.

If you gotta grind, grind deep.

Never button the lowest button on your suit jacket.  And if you think it’s okay to leave the label stitched on the sleeve… well, we’re not even gonna go there, are we?

Live in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it perfectly acceptable to ship your Harley Davidson by truck so you can ride it in a convoy in Bali.

The other day I was watching a
documentary on aircraft carriers on the Discovery channel.  On the
early carriers, aircrafts would land on the flight deck parallel to the
long axis of the ship’s hull, and park at the end of the runway.  If a
jet overshot its landing, it would crash into the parked aircrafts.  It
took a decade of fiery deaths before someone finally came up with the
idea of an angled runway, so the landing jet would not hit the parked
aircrafts and simply go airborne again.  Keep this in mind the next
time you have the urge to beat yourself silly over a mistake you have made.

If you cannot be happy on your own, you will never be happy with someone else.

When you ask someone what his favorite movies are and he answers with names of directors instead of movie titles, its his way of saying "I am hipper than thou, you puny pedestrian scum."

Either that, or he works in advertising.  Same difference.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll ask you to pay for the sewa lapak and some uang rokok.

Yes, I do consider riding an ojek during rush hour in Mangga Dua to be an extreme sport. How I have managed to keep both of my kneecaps intact is beyond me.

The smaller her dog, the more emotionally fragile she is.

When my parents were
struggling immigrants in the ’60s, all we could afford were the
cheapest cuts of a chicken, namely the backs and necks.  For the
longest time we thought that was all a chicken consisted of, until we
saw KFC commercials on TV with slow-motion tumbling pieces of
drumsticks, wings, and breasts. My sister and brother said “Hey…. hold on… what part of a chicken is that?”

Now is it just me, or does "klappertaart" really sound like a dutch sailor’s venereal disease?

When a man turns 25, he should refrain from dating women who have an aversion to DVDs with laurel wreaths on its cover. Regardless of how much of a hot babe she might be.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes with her arms folded.

The worse the spelling, the higher the probability he was educated in the U.S.  Definately.

The girl at the italian ice cream stand at Ciwalk is really cute.  Don’t tell her you read it here.