- vipertongue -

Just because you put “lagi narsis!” as a caption to your picture does not negate that you are, in fact, narcissistic.

Ever notice that Mickey Mouse’ ears always face towards you, no matter which way he turns?  How freaky is a giant gloved rat with swivelling ears, eh?

What’s the difference between fashionistas and foodies?  Foodies don’t assume they can easily be professional chefs simply because they like to eat.  “Secara, gw kan suka baca vogue en gambar-gambar baju, geto lowh!”

You know a book is gonna suck if it’s opening page is a quote by Kahlil Gibran.

If your date ever applies words “enak”, “lucu”, and “rame” respectively to music, clothing, and movies,…  you know what to do.  By God, man.. you know what to do.

How much I like my own design is inversely propotional to it’s chances of selling.

If you are that “me-so-budayawan” guy who wears traditional sarongs to society parties, you may think you look hip and cultured, but in fact you just look like you were circumcized about twenty-five years too late.

There is a very thin line between “kekeluargaan” and “nosy”.

A rule of thumb when it comes to illegal (and legal) drugs:  If they give out free samples, there is a high possibility you’ll be addicted to it.

Life is too short to earn a living doing something you wouldn’t do for free.

If you are ever invited by a corporation to be a speaker, you can always spot the ITB alumnis in the audience.  Just look for the ones sitting with arms folded, slouched with sandal-gunung’d feet splayed out, tilted head, and eyeing you with that skeptical “I am so much smarter than you” expression.

Which, of course, explains why my highschool-educated ass is standing up here, and your ITB-educated ass is sitting down there.

Real men cry at the final scene of “First Blood Part I”.

No, I don’t care how you want to put a spin on it, sometimes there is no “hikmah” to be taken, okay?  Sometimes things really do just suck and that’s just the plain end of it.

If she says she has been to busy to talk to you lately, there is a 84.68% chance that she actually is.  With another guy.

There is a place in Bandung called “Rumah Sosis”.  Which, if translated to english, it would be “The House of Wieners”.  Now, is it just me or does that sound disturbingly creepy?

If an online profile contains the following phrases:  “melancholis sanguinis”, “GBU”, or the absolute worse.. “I’m just a simple person”, step away from your laptop, get an axe, and hack it to pieces.  Oh, and if the picture was taken at Freezeframe Mall Taman Anggrek, please proceed with ripping out your eyeballs.

Nothing makes a woman age faster than wearing little polkadots.  Even more so if she actually refers to them as “bolletjes.”

Be a man.  Be a man and dress like one. No sagging jeans.  No white shoes with thin soles. No retro sneakers with red laces.  No surfer, skate, or satiric logo t-shirts.  No Pete Wentz haircut.  No slouching and foot dragging.  No dorky white plastic glasses.  No european designer manbags.  No pink polo shirts.  No Sour Sally in public.  Stand up straight and walk with confidence.  Wear shirts and jeans that fit properly.  Shoes with soles thicker than your thumb.  A watch thicker than your index finger.  A tattoo that counts.  A leather belt with a buckle so heavy you could bludgeon another man to death with.  Come on, grow a pair and dress like you are worthy of them.

And if you can’t do that, then go work in advertising.

If we have just been introduced, and I am courteous enough to ask what you do for a living, please be kind enough to give me a straight answer. Typical “sengak-ibukota” replies such as “kuli korporat, pembokatnya bos, officeboy, maksiat, jongos, wara-wiri, kutukupret periklanan, kacung, or ya gitu deeeh” are not funny, cute, nor witty.

So unless you happen to be in a lenong betawi, please understand this:  I don’t actually give a damn what your job is, I’m just asking out of politeness sake.

My father always wondered,  when someone dies, why do the cultures with strong beliefs in the afterlife are always the ones that wail hysterically?

I find it amusing how so many of the auto-generated sponsored links on my blog have to do with religion. 

Never trust food reviews that include any of the following phrases: “aduhai”, “lidah bergoyang”, or “amboi lezatnya”.
Under no circumstances should a man ever have the world “gokil” applied to him. And if you ever come across such a man, you know what to do with your belt buckle.

No, I have no wishes for The Little One to grow up and be berguna bagi nusa, bangsa, agama, dan orangtua.  I just want her to have contentment and peace of mind, and all that other delusional crap will pretty much fall into place.

Though keep in mind that the Spanish Inquisitors were, by any definition, berguna for their agama. But for the native americans?  Probably not so much.

Things You Should Never Say When You Visit Me At Work, #42: “So is this one of your creations?”

Any man worth his chesthair should watch at least one David Mamet movie during his lifetime.  I suggest starting out with “Glengarry Glen Ross”.

And no, that “North Sea Jazz Festival” poster you have on your wall does *not* make you look cool.