- vipertongue -

  One of the most annoying excuses I have ever heard is "Gue kan cewek, Dri!".  Man, if you could only count how many times I wish I could have gotten away with “ya gue kan cowok!” as a bloody excuse…

When a woman uses the term "yang jahat yang mana?" in reference to movies, slowly step away, turn around, and run for your life.

Real men cry at the final scene of "First Bood I".

My brother has actually met Paul Stanley of KISS.  And I was Ace Frehley for Halloween once.  That used up a lot of tin-foil, I tellya.

Heartbreak makes a poet out of all of us.

Live in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find the following terms to be perfectly acceptable: "Pre-party", "On Trial", "Soft Opening", and "Pre-wedding".

Garfield was right. Bad dreams are more likely to the result of strong cheeses and spicy foods, and not the suppression of guilt.

Anggun: Uberpoultry Supreme. The Mother Hen Every Chicken Aspires to Be.

The better looking a woman is, the less likely she is to thank you when you send her a birthday message.  Again, its not like the average male would ever notice anyways.

When in doubt, you could always quote Nietzche.

When
out of the blue, an old pribumi friend contacts you and insists to
meet, it means he want to borrow money.  If he is chinese, he wants to
sell you something.  If he is a member of Amway, I can give you guidelines on how to properly dismember and dispose a dead body.

Javanese Sound Test: "Jajal, jajal.. ji ro lu.. jajal…"

“Rabid Bunda”.  If one day this term ever becomes popular, you heard it here first.  And yes, it means exactly the way it sounds.

Real men never use the terms "gokil", “yo’i”, or “jek”.  Skinny Guys in Hats use those terms.  My point, exactly.

Kevlar: Never Leave Home Without It.

Of course I have six pack abs. They just happen to be behind a layer of fat.

You know you’re a “Bule with a Mission” when you find it necessary to make a point that you have a favorite Indonesian band.  And to make sure everyone knows about it, so help you God.

If I had the option of putting a soundtrack to my life, it would probably be "Miami Vice".

In no possible way am I implying that I have any resemblance to Sonny Crockett whatsoever.

I despise moccha so much that if I inadvertently sip coffee after eating chocolate, I would spit it out in disgust.

If it turns out to be true, does it still make me a judgmental bastard?

“Its funny how we all grow up wanting to be James Bond, but end up looking like a Bond villain instead.”  - Angus Wilson, a highschool friend after seeing me on Facebook for the first time in eighteen years.

My
father once told me that in life I will come across people who would
disbelieve me if i told them that the shirt on their back was made of
oil.  He also told me that the exact same people would probably find the concept of some guy parting the Red Sea to be perfectly reasonable.

In Vegas, losing twenty-five dollars pissed me off more than winning a hundred dollars made me happy. Then and there I realized I wasn’t cut out for gambling.

I’m a PG-13 man living in an NC-17 world.

Typical
Responses You Receive if You are Idiotic Enough to Tell People You
Design Clothing for a Living, #27;  The “Bule with a Mission” response:
"Do you use batik?  What do you mean you don’t use batik? Aren’t you proud of your rich heritage?  Why would you want to do work clothing?  I mean…"

Attractive women shouldn’t wink. Seriously.

Citra Pariwara:  Where to go if you wanna see a bunch of swaggering hipper-than-thou types patting themselves on the back.

Posessive Indonesian men are nothing but pathetic  insecure mamaboys.  But again, if you dig guys like that, thats your problem.

Multitasking is deeply underrated.

A restroom is definitely not the place to make any sort of introductions. No exceptions.

Whenever you ask why something isn’t done a certain way, usually its because someone tried it before and it wasn’t financially viable. 

Some things are one-of-a-kind because there is simply no demand for two of them.

The Worst Dinner Party Ever #14: Michael Stipe, Eric Clapton, Natalie Merchant, Sinead ‘o Connor, Moby.  Throw in a couple of Indonesian guitar-strumming budayawans in the mix, and I’d seriously start looking for a very high bridge to jump off.

Typical Responses You Receive if You Are Idiotic Enough to Tell People You Design Clothing for a Living, #24: The Pribumi Response: “Sering show?”.  The Chinese Response: “Sudah ekspor?”.

And if you dare answer “no” to either of those questions, prepare for the pitiful “Ooo.. belum ‘kali ya..” expression. So help you God.

Men who prefer polished unscuffed leather are the equivalent to women who prefer small noisy dogs.

One
night in 1997, I conversed for two hours on ICQ with someone who turned
out to be, quite literally, the girl *right *next *door.  Thank God I didn’t say I was tall, dark, and handsome.

When I saw “The Last Samurai”, every time Taka came on screen, I was actually too stunned to breathe. Anne Hathaway has the same effect, lately.

My
siblings’ names are Juanita Amanda and Juarez Armando.  And my name is
Rinaldo Adrian (okay, stop laughing).  How did three Javanese kids born
in the late sixties from Bandung end up with telenovela names?  No bloody idea, mate.  No bloody idea.

I’ll do my best to not do another duku reference.  I’m working on another fruit as we speak.

You know you’re a “Bule with a Mission” if your idea of labour dispute resolution is to hold hands with the employees and sing “We are the World”.

If you do not make the effort to make people laugh while being sarcastic, don’t bother being sarcastic.

Signs its DEFINITELY the wrong oh so wrong band, #46:  They play that Georgy Pordgy song. That plopping sound you hear is your brain oozing out of your ear.  God have mercy on your soul and eardrums.

In Indonesia, its perfectly acceptable to call yourself a lawyer when in fact you are just a legal clerk.

One of the most annoying excuses I have ever heard is "maksud gue kan baek". The road to hell is paved with "maksud gue kan baek".

If I ever form a band, I’m gonna call it “Tiko McTiko & The Boseco’s”. And we’d perform wearing Pegawai Negeri Sipil uniforms.  Ehehehehehe…. 

Hey, c’mon… that was a good one and you know it. 

Sometimes you come across a woman who informs you that she doesn’t like your designs.  And after taking a look at how she dresses, you go “Hallelujah, thank yeeww, Laaawd!!”.

I exchanged words with Johnny Depp when I was in highschool.  If I knew he was gonna be as famous as he is now, I would have kept the photograph.

If you knew my hairstyle back then, you would fully understand why I didn’t keep it.  Think Billy Ray Cyrus.

My
personal dressing style?  I think of myself as a character in a Tom
Clancy novel.  So no, you won’t ever find me wearing a distro t-shirt,
sagging jeans,  and funky sneakers.  Ever.

Yes, I am fully aware that Tom Clancy characters do not wear meteran penjahit to work. If you have a problem with that, perhaps you would like to settle it outside. No?  I thought so.

“Steak tetangga selalu lebih juicy.” - Maria Francisco

The next time you say “man, I coulda done that!”, just keep this in mind:  You didn’t.

Isn’t
it amusing how the same people who complain about the air quality in
Jakarta also pay good money to voluntarily inhale toxic fumes directly
into their dijon-mustard-crusty slime-yellow nicotined lungs?

But I still think the best part of a party is where the smokers hang out.

The
last time I checked, the majority of adult women from Tasik to
Telluride have children.  If so, then why do so many mothers walk
around exuding a superior sense of “accomplishment”?   

“lu ngga bisa ngomong gitu, yan… lu ngga akan ngerti sebelum punya anak sendiri, yan…”  Well, until my kid wins the Nobel Peace Prize…

There is always somebody worse off than you are.  And probably deserved it less, too.

Live to work.  Don’t work to live. If there is a recipe to happiness, that is definitely one of them.

“Yeah, try telling that to someone on UMR, you moron.”

You know the type of guys that women refer to as "well, he is actually a nice guy once you get to know him better."?  Well, I ain’t one of those guys.

Jaimness is next to Godliness.

If I ever get married one day (hey! I heard that snicker!), I plan on washing her feet instead. The look on my relative’s faces? Priceless!

The only reason you never consider yourself an addict is because its always available and within reach.

Whats the point of retirement? If you look forward to it, you are wasting your life, dude.

I have yet to meet a gay man who hates women. But I have come across quite a few lesbians who absolutely loathe men. Damn shame, considering how many of them have cool short hair.

My mom visited the Von Trapp estate in Austria in the late ‘80s. She said there were hidden speakers in the manicured gardens playing “The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music”. I guess it was her idea of a pilgrimage.

Real men never wear socks to bed. Especially when a woman is anywhere in the picture.

There was a “Bule with a Mission” NGO in Central Java that socialized AIDS awareness via wayang golek shows. Yeah dude, the last time I checked, high risk inviduals are heavy into the wayang golek scene, big time.

There was a guy on Yahoogroups willing to pay good money for an original Milli Vanilli CD. I seriously considered hunting the guy down to beat the living daylights out of him.

Did you know duku can make you inebriated? My dad once told me, as a boy he fell out of a duku tree once after eating one too many of them. Ehehehe..

The latin word for wolverine is “gulo gulo”. Ha, Logan doesn’t sound too tough now, eh bub? And the latin name for the bat is “vespertilio”.

Hmmm. That sounded kinda cool, actually.

Are puns considered the Rob Schneider of humor?

By any definition under the sun, cigarettes are drugs. Highly addictive, slickly advertised, herbal, legal, and socially acceptable. But make no mistake about it, it is a drug.

At least when someone is tripping on E, the only thing you have to tolerate is the crappy house music.

Advertising guys tend to see (and carry) themselves as somewhat of a Quentin Tarantino. Advertising girls, Sofia Coppola.  You’re not.  Seriously.

Would I have more blog material if I watched Indonesian television? Betcha ass I would. But I value my braincells and mental health more than this blog.

FSRD ITB students tend to think that by only producing limited items of anything automatically make it exclusive. Produce a hundred, and there is a demand for a hundred and four, that’s exclusive. If you only produce two and there is no demand for it, that’s called overproduction, baby.

“Tapi gue kan idealis! Ngga komersil/massal/sell-out!” Fine, okay. Now sit back and watch me perform Vivaldi on my air Stradivarius.

Imagine one day in the near future, explaining to your grown children how we used pagers back in the mid ‘90s.

I have hanged out with the model / flaming fashionista / Kosmo Vacuumhead crowd. And I have hanged out with the artist / writer / teater / Bule with a Mission / LSM / Pretentious Pramoedya crowd. Now, take a wild guess: Which crowd was most prejudiced based on how someone was dressed? And verbally expressed it?

Cool name for a chinese restaurant: “The Ignorant Duck (d/h ‘Cuek Bebek’)”

Women who wear animal prints and have tattooed eyebrows tend to be more racially biased than average. (kudos to Maria Francisco for that tidbit)

Hire the smile, train the rest.

I don’t mind going out with women who do not like my favorite movies. But I draw the line at women who like the movies that I absolutely hate.

Signs Its (definitely) the Wrong Band, #76: They are Filipinos. And the lead singer is poultry-esque. And if they start playing a song by Dewa, you are so beyond toast it ain’t even remotely funny. God have mercy on your soul and eardrums. *shiver…

When King Leonidas in “300” bellowed “Tonight we dine in hell!”, its safe to assume he meant sundanese food.

Things You Should Never Trust, #65: Anything that claims to be “berkhasiat”, guys who call you “bos”, and the smile of a Public Relations Officer. Especially if she’s a hot babe.

Oh, and skincare clinics. Biggest scam on earth, I tellya… preying on the fears and insecurities of the cute and the gullible.

You know there is something fundamentally wrong when your best defense for it is “Yes, but the book itself teaches peace and goodwill, not violence.” Especially when you find it necessary to use that sorry excuse more than a few times.

There is nothing worse than Indonesian selebritis that aspire to own a boutique. Hold on, yes it can get worse.. boutique and sanggar senam.

Pagersex.

It ain’t a proper Indonesian wedding until the bride-to-be locks herself in her room and breaks down crying.

Teaching someone to operate the cash register is easy.  Teaching someone to smile is pretty much impossible.

When Viagra was approved by the FDA, if you listened closely enough, you could hear a collective sigh of relief among the rhinocerous community.

The highlight of my career?  Back in 2000, my label was mentioned in a story on 17tahun.com.  Penthouse Forum, here I come!

Many thanks to Miss M. for pointing out the story.  No worries, your identity and.. uhmm..  particular fetish, shall forever remain a secret.

Proof that God has a sense of humor: The Platypus.

My dad told me when he was a young boy, his father caught him smoking.  So my grandfather locked him in a room with a full pack, and didn’t let him out until he smoked them all.  If that doesn’t make you swear off smoking for life, I dunno what will.  Eheheheh…

How to Spot a Beginner Designer, #97: They do a victory lap at the end of the show.  In the same clothing as her models.

If you are not mentally prepared to be monogamous yet, don’t get married.  It doesn’t get any simpler than that.  If you stray down the line, its only human.  But at least start on the right frickin’ foot.

“ya namanya juga cowok lah, yan..  mau gimana lagi, udah dari sononya, bener ngga, yan…”

You ain’t Indonesian if you can’t jongkok nongkrong.  Bonus points if you can inhale a kretek and look like an existentialist while you are at it.

Signs it’s (Definitely) The Wrong Band #21: There are more than 7 people on stage, you see bongo drums and maracas, the bass guitar is strapped high in the guy’s armpits, and the lead singer is a Skinny Guy in a Hat.

And if they start playing Incognito, Toto, Manhattan Transfer, or Kool and the Gang,… dude, you’re pretty much dead in the water.  May God have mercy on your soul and eardrums.

Sometimes, but just sometimes, the two singers in shorts and boots on either side of the Skinny Guy make it all… so… worth… it….

Radio guys in

Bandung

are the equivalent of Advertising guys in

Jakarta

.

I was at the DVD shop the other day and there was a lady looking for the latest season of  “The Simple Life”. I had to resist from throttling her neck and scream “Why, damn it, WHY?!”

The cuter she is, the fussier she will be on how her coffee is prepared.

I, on the other hand, am fussy on how my instant noodles are prepared.  Al dente, my dear.. al dente. 

Why did I choose to be self employed?  Self reliance and independence are all fine and dandy.. but above it all?  Being able to play my own music all day, and ain’t nobody can say nuthin’ about it.  Gyahahahaha.

Its generally not a very good idea to travel in countries where the government soldiers wear flip-flops.

My dad always wondered, why do the cultures that claim to have an in-depth understanding of the afterlife, are always the ones that wail hysterically when someone dies?

Real men don’t walk while eating an ice cream cone.  So siddown ‘n use a cup, or I’ll go medieval on your sorry ass.

I still have yet to dream in bahasa indonesia.   I mentally dial the phone in Indonesian, though.

In Indonesia, its perfectly acceptable to call yourself an entrepreneur even if you inherited your father’s business.  Sure, you are smart and work hard, no argument there.  But your lack of passion for what you do is as clear as day.

“This my is own company, a completely separate entity from my family’s business.”

“So what type of business are you in?”

“The same as my father’s.  But remember!  It’s mine and it’s completely different!”

“Ah.  Okay.”

And if you ever, ever forget that little fact, so help you God.

Anything worth doing feels much better done angled on an incline.

The other day I saw a banner for a new tabloid called “Persib”, which is the local soccer team.  When a team constantly loses, do you seriously wanna publish a tabloid about them?

You know you’re a “Bule with a Mission” if you say you are “making a contribution to the local economy” when in fact all you are doing is buying a frickin’ souvenir.

Never live by default.

Back in my ICQ days, I found it amusing how many ITB students would actually list their school under “Occupation”.  And only ITB students would do that. Go figure that out. 

How Missy Elliot can somehow outsell The Indigo Girls is beyond me.

Ever seen those long and baggy Japanese socks?  They actually glue them to they stay in place.  Which explains the physics in the numerous subtitled, independent Japanese films I have had the privilege to view.  No wardrobe malfunction in those movies, uh-uh, no sir.

If you have the passion for it, the capital will come.

Actors playing characters with mental disabilities that shouldn’t win Oscars.  Especially when they wear ngatung trousers. 

Real men never use their girlfriend’s birthday as a PIN number.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (namely

Vancouver

Canada

), my dad visited the family doctor after “di kerok” by my mom.  For a moment the doctor seriously thought my mom was quite handy with the whip. *whuppah!

I was a vegetarian for 8 months and gained 6 kilograms.  So yeah, Dr. Atkins had a point.

Yes, I realize buying pirated movies and music is wrong.  But after watching “MTV Cribs”, I simply stopped caring.  If you can sit on the toilet, press a button, and a 55” HDTV rises from your bathroom floor, you don’t need my rupiahs.

The smaller her dog, the more emotionally fragile she is.

You know you’ve been online too much when you say “How are you? Long time no visible!”

The only drummer worth marching to is your own.  Besides, Bonham croaked a while back, and that guy from Def Leppard lost an arm already.  Lets not even go into Spinal Tap..

If it says “berkhasiat”, it ain’t.  Especially when it claims to heal “dan lain lain”.  Sucka’!

Creating clothing that is simply unique is easy.  Creating clothing that sells is fairly easy.  Creating unique clothing that sells is bloody difficult.

Adi T. was right.  Steaming takoyaki and ice-cold teh upet pair perfectly.  Keep that in mind the next time you hit Carrefour.

If I ever form a band, I’m gonna call it “Pinkan Mambo and the Horizontal Poco-Poco’s”.

Ralph Schumacher.  Doesn’t he look more like a fashion designer than a race car driver?

Oh, really?  Well, I can pick apart *your* blog until your head spins so fast that I’d have to nailgun your thick cranium to the wall to make it stop.  But aside from the obscene throbbing pleasure it would give me in doing so, what good can come out of it?

When someone asks to offer his opinion, its safe to assume it will be a negative one.

I don’t care about money. I just care about what I can buy with it.

Wolverine?  Harvey Keitel or Fred Ward.  And Gabriel Byrne as Bruce Wayne.

Ever wondered why men’s shirts unbutton and open from the left side, and a women’s shirts the opposite way?  A man uses his right hand to draw his sword or gun from the left side of his belt, and a woman breastfeeds using the left breast as it is closest to her heart.  Men kill, women nurture.

So yeah, if you think about it, if women ruled the world, there would be no war.  We’d just have intense negotiations every 27 days or so.   Ehehehehehehe…

Nothing makes you step on the accelerator like Nine Inch Nails amped up to eleven.

Proof that George Lucas is Indonesian, #23: Count Dooku (Sith Lord / Fruit), Jawa People (little hooded people on Tatooine / The Superior Indonesian Race !Heil!), Han Solo (Harrison Ford / lots of slow-moving Jawa people reside here).

Ignoring my own moods is a herculean task.

Indonesia

has no public libraries.  Well, neither do a lot of other developing countries (we say “developing”, they say “third world”).  But the difference is, they probably don’t have as many malls as we do.

If your boyfriend’s eyes never, ever wander, be prepared to face the fact that he’s actually gay.  I’m dead serious on this.

And if all this time you thought its because his eyes were only on you, well it looks like someone is in for a big surprise. 

Tibetan Buddhist Humor: “Last week I blew a thousand bucks for a seminar on reincarnation.  Hey, I figure we only live once!”

If you build it, Teh Botol vendors will come. 

Proof that George Lucas is Indonesian, #46: Adegan crystals (essential for lightsabres), Sinar Industries (built the X-Wings), Mace Windu (that really loud black guy from Pulp Fiction).

When things go horribly wrong, why is it that God’s name is usually the first to be mentioned?

There is a good reason why you hear the term “lakor” more often than “binor”.  Not that men are immune, but we consider it shameful.  So no, you won’t hear men gabbing over cosmopolitans on how “cewek gue lagi banyak masalah ama suaminya, and besides, I’m a much better man for her…”

So yeah, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: “Why do women talk about "sisterhood" so much?  Because deep down, they know they’d backstab and  walk over each other when the opportunity presents itself.”

When a guy who compliments your eyes, chances are he doesn’t mean it.

Unless you happen to be Audrey Tatou.  And if you actually are, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.  Ouii, mon cherie.. oh ouuiii…

Don’t drink and SMS.

To truly have faith means to never think it is necessary to explain it.  Especially to ignorant philistines like me.

There is nothing more pathetic than a white guy who pretends to be Balinese.  An udeng on your noggin and a Made by your name does not a local make.  So pack your barong shirt and fly back to

New Jersey

.

Yes, I have t.A.T.u. on heavy rotation in my iPod.  There, I said it.  Pfffft.

To learn how to swear with eloquence, drive behind an angkot.

When a woman uses the term "rame ngga?" when referring to movies, carefully step away, turn around,  and run for your life.

There are only three things in life that are certain: Death, taxes, and a child’s fondness for spaghetti.

Its hard not to smile when you see a child attack a plate of spaghetti.  It reminds you of all that is good, decent, and worth living for in the world.

Vodka tonic with a twist of lime.  And make it a double, please.

I knew I was getting old the day I realized I prefer watching CNN instead of MTV.

You know you’re a “Bule with a Mission” if you ridiculed the Angelina Jolie movie “Beyond Borders”.

Its only considered sexual harassment if the guy is fat, balding, and hairy.  If he was a male model, the entire office would know by lunchtime the following workday.  I know it, you know it, so just bloody admit it.

I wonder if He ever thought to Himself  “Granting humans free will?  Whoa.  Now that was a mistake.”

Nothing takes your mind off your daily problems better than wearing a pair of brand new shoes that are too small.

If I were  a geneticist, the first thing I would do is engineer the seedless duku.  The second thing is I would clone Eva Green.

There are two types of women.  The Kosmopolitan Vacuumheads who think they know everything about fashion, and the Pretentious Pramoedyas who proudly claim they know nothing about it (and usually look the part, too).

Whatever happens, get up.  Just get up and do it again.

Repeat.

How to Spot a Beginner Designer, #56:  They still think its cool to debate the dichotomy of art and commerce.

When bules spout grand, sweeping Politically Correct statements of Indonesians, they always compliment and praise us “as a people”.  But when it comes to the plain day-to-day comments, they have nothing but “TDC”, or Thinly Disguised Contempt.

In no way am I implying that we, as Indonesians, do not deserve the aforementioned TDC.

Other people don’t think of you as often as you might think they do.  Like you, they have better things to do with their time.

Its all fun and games until someone ruptures a spleen.

Move to Bali once in your life. Leave before start acting “Bali-er Than Thou” and think all Jakartans are poseurs because “kalo di Bali sih, you can go clubbing in shorts and sandals.. cuek aja lagi…”

But if you ever, ever pose for a picture in front of Hard Rock Café on Kuta, I swear I’ll hunt you down and shove an oversized blue surfboard down your throat and throw you to a school of blood-frenzied makos.

To make your daily emails seem more trustworthy than you actually are as a person, use the typeface Garamond.

By some random cosmic twist of fate, I was truly fortunate to end up being the son of my particular set of parents and not someone else’.  I am forever grateful for that.

No, I will not make any assumptions that they feel the same about me.

Robbie Williams reminds me of the type of guys who work in advertising.  If you think that is a compliment in any shape or form,  oh man… you are sorely mistaken.

If I saw a pretty woman in the rain by the side of the road, I wouldn’t offer her a ride.  Why?  Because once I didn’t offer a ride to an old man in the rain by the side of the road either.

Oh, and you would, did you say?  Well, aren’t we just so pleasantly noble.

Abraham Lincoln, 1860: “When I do good, I feel good.  When I do bad, I feel bad.  That’s my religion.”

Did I feel bad about the old man in the rain?  You bet your ass I did.  So if you are cute and shivering in the rain and I just pass you by, its nothing personal.  Really.

Weeeelll…  if you have short hair and wear glasses, I might make an exception.  So much for principles.  Sigh.

In Indonesia, its perfectly acceptable to buy a concert ticket for hundreds of thousand rupiahs without being a fan, or even owning  single album of the artist featured.

When buying a suit, the fit of the shoulders is the most important thing to consider. Its better to wear a cheap abang2-made polyester suit that fits properly, than a fine wool Ermenegildo Zegna with drooping shoulders.  You’d be surprised to see how many self-proclaimed "stylish" men dress that way.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes with her arms crossed.

Skinny Guy in a Hat: The guy that voices "Frozz, permen dingin menyegarkan".

Nothing makes a woman age faster than wearing little polkadots.

If you think you are going to Hell, don’t forget to pack several bottles of mineral water, a decent pair of sunglasses, and a good supply of sunblock.

The difference between love and sex?  Various degrees of friction.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll ask you to pay for the sewa lapak and some uang roko’.

Never, ever take a first date to a restaurant that has pictures and signatures of Indonesian “selebritis” on the wall.  Come to think of it, just never go there, period.

I consider any day above ground to be a decent enough day.

Ancient civilizations worshipped cats as gods.  And if you see how my cats behave, they make sure that you never, ever forget that little fact.

Its harder to be kind than it is to be clever.  Oh man, its damn near impossible, I tell you.

When a guy says his work involves “memasok ke instansi dan perdagangan umum”, you can make a safe assumption his dad is a high ranking government official.

How could anyone not tap their feet or play air drums by the end of Coldplay’s “Fix You”?

If her listed hometown is along the lines of “Boston – Jakarta – Singapore – Melbourne”, its probably not a very good idea to take her to a warung for dinner.

One of the most common misperceptions about me is that I cannot eat in warungs.

Look, even if all you read is Krayon Sinchan and Donal Bebek, for crying out loud, just LIE.  Do what everyone else does: say Kahlil Gibran instead.  Hell, while you are at it, throw in some Pramoedya for good measure.

The complexity and craft of a regional cuisine says a lot about its people.  Case in point: sundanese food such as nasi tutug and sambal dadak.  Okay, ‘nuff said.

Mothers who make their children call them “bunda” usually wear PS and read Femina.  Beware.

The type of guys who marry the aforementioned mothers tend to have thin moustaches and say things like “gimanapun juga kita hidup di timur, ian…”. 

Please, its “dri”.  Not “ian”.

If you see a profile where the Movie section is filled with director names instead of movie titles, its basically his way of saying “I am hipper than thou, you puny pedestrian scum”. 

Either that, or he works in advertising.

My dad taught me to live a life with no regrets.  I do my best, but when you have made as many mistakes as I have, its not exactly a piece of cake.  It’s the mistakes towards others that are the hardest to live with.

Nonetheless, he still made sense.  Life is too short to be burdened by regrets, so try to minimize it.  At the end of your term on earth, it’s the regrets that inevitably come back to haunt you.

How to Spot a Beginner Designer, #23: They sign their name on every. single. bloody. sketch they make,
assuming that someone will copy it and gain fame and fortune off the oh-so-precious design, so help you God.

Real men wear the watch on the outside of the wrist.

Project Runway contestants can finish an elaborate dress from design on paper to runway presentation within 12 hours, without any help whatsoever.  Either they work at roadrunnerbeepbeep speed (with absolutely no time to bitch about each other, of course), or my entire production team has been pulling wool over my eyes for the past twelve years.

The ones who say “apa aja yang enak di kuping” usually listen to R&B.

In Bandung, the only time you would see a large group of young Chinese and Pribumis together at the same table at a restaurant is on a Sunday, because they just happen to attend the same church and decided to have lunch afterwards.

The two greatest motivators are fear and love.  And if that doesn’t work, try free iPods.

Refrain from speaking immediately after downing a packet of Waisan.  Trust me.

I am eternally grateful to whoever invented Waisan.

My mom is 70 years old.  Last year she went to Brisbane on her own, and stayed with my dad’s ex-girlfriend from his college years there.  Now is that like, totally cool or what?  ☺

If I ever tried calling my mom “bunda”, she would probably roll on the floor, laughing.

Move to Bandung once in your life.  And if you happen to hate those “Slow Down!” signs and have a flamethrower you would like to put to good use, hey by all means, stick around!

Missy Elliot and Gwen Stefani: Skinny Guys In Hats.  So are Jamiroquai and Kevin Federline.

The next time you see a bunch of cool young Jakartans posturing, preening, and spouting in magazines because they are the sole distributor or license holder of a hot foreign brand, fashion label, or café, just keep this in mind:  Chances are, the creator of the brand doesn’t-even-know-they-exist.

For a lot of Indonesian women, its not a matter of meeting Mr. Right.. it’s a matter of meeting Mr. Right-Now.  Now, damn it, NOW!!  I ain’t gettin’ any frickin’ younger, am I!?!

It’s important to surround yourself with people who can offer you a bit of happiness and well being.  And to avoid reading blogs that offer nothing but neurotic insecurity parading as jaded, smart-ass cynicism.

No career move you make will ever go smoothly, make no mistake about it.  But the option is simply that..  to not move at all.

My brother told me that Alex and Eddie Van Halen lived in Semarang once when they were kids.

If you ever survived getting two of your cats into the back of the car to take to the vet, its difficult not come away thinking “Noah, you da man, bro…” regardless of your personal beliefs.

8 out of the 10 times I say “untuk apa?”, what I actually mean is “I cannot afford it.”

Real men don’t wear white shoes. Sneakers? Okay, I’ll cut you some slack.

You know you are in the wrong type of business when at industry gatherings, you are the only guy at the table who isn’t wearing a feather boa, full makeup, and blowing air kisses to fellow males.

Those Things Women Say, Number 592: “He’s actually a nice guy if you get to know him better.”

You know you work in advertising if you have put on a huge afro wig at least once in your life. Either that or you went to FSRD ITB.

Women who like romantic men paling gampang dikibulin. Deservedly so.

A country as overpopulated as Indonesia needs more smokers. Hey, impotence has its benefits.

My problem with “Sex in the City” is that if you made the exact same show but substituted the female characters for males, there would be outraged women protesting in no time, claiming it is chauvinistic and offensive.

But yeah, Charlotte does make my knees weak.

If you have to remind someone every single day, five times a day, using a bloody loudspeaker nonetheless, he probably doesn’t really want to do it in the first place, alright? Sheeesh.

When you are local, you always have to explain and defend your own label. When you go to Mango, do you ever ask them if its harummanis, kweni, or golek?

How can you take french porn seriously when all they say is “Ouiii… ouiii….. OOUUIIII!!!”?

Not that *I* ever take porn seriously. Well, except when its Japanese. Starring Maria Ozawa.

Its not that I have too much time on my hands. Its just that you don’t think.

Its not that I am just too bitchy. Its just that you don’t think.

Its not that you have more deep and important things to think about. Its just that you don’t think.

Its not because I am defensive that I put a “shallow” in the title. Actually, come to think of it, yes it is!
A building collapses. Two hundred people die, one baby survives. Now let me get this clear… that’s a miracle to be thankful for? How does that logic work, exactly?

Nothing is worse than a verbose fitting model who aspires to be a designer.

Don’t tell me what type of person you are. I’ll observe your behaviour and make my own conclusions, thank you very much.

Move to Jakarta once in your life. Leave before your weekends consist of “dari mall ke mall”.

The chances of a Project Runway contestant winning is inversely proportional to how much I like his or her designs.

Most Indonesians get married out of fear, not out of love. Fear of parents, extended family, society, and the ticking clock.

If you are the type to ever say “I don’t care about what I wear as long as its comfortable”, please allow me to dye it pink top to bottom. After all, its all about comfort and being “real”, right?

And if you are that type of person, I bet that if you were given a choice between Buavita and Gula Asem, you would probably choose the latter. And you went to FSRD ITB.

As an entrepreneur, its important to create something from scratch. Not license, not franchise, not distribute, but to create.

If you say you aspire to build a company to last a hundred years, quite a few business people will laugh at you. Just keep in mind that these are also the same guys who believed that some guy actually walked on water.

If we are supposed to be vegetarians, then why are animals so tasty?

Anyone who thinks that the rules of morality can be neatly written down, probably doesn’t know very much about it.

Why is it that bule guys here always make snide comments on how Indonesians watch too much crappy TV and own no books, while at the same time only date poultry-esque (yes, I personally coined that term) women who never read anything beyond Kosmopolitan? If she is even literate, that is.

Of course capricorns forgive. We just don’t forget.

R&B: Music for people who don’t really like music but pretend to.

Real men never type “hiks”.

Just because she wears a size L shirt, does not mean she wears size L underwear. Shop at your own risk.

Hong Kong movies sacrifice logic for the sake of action. French movies sacrifice logic for the sake of an underlying philosophy. Indonesian movies sacrifice logic for the sake of… I dunno, you tell me.

The four scariest words a woman can say: “We need to talk.”

Most employees think they are smarter than their bosses.

People who say “I don’t care about money” always seem to have it.

Its not that you actually like using PC and Windows. You just haven’t used a Mac yet.

The better looking a woman is, the less grateful she will be if you do her a favor. But again, the average guy probably wouldn’t notice either.

The problem with wanting kids is that you have to have a wife first. How awfully irritating.

Did you know that the word Boogeyman came from “Bugis”? Somehow I think our vice president feels a wee bit more smugger knowing that. (kudos to Farah Wawah for that tidbit)

How my employees put up with me year after year is beyond me.

The hardest part of learning Bahasa Indonesia is figuring out how to use “lho, kok, deh, dong, and lah.” And if you live in Bandung, let us not forget about the “euy”, shall we?

I wear glasses as an illusion of intelligence.

Besides, if LASIK is so safe, why don’t they ever do both eyes at one go?

Its ironic that cigarette ads always feature determined and strong willed individuals, while the whole reason people are addicted to smoking in the first place are because of opposite characteristics altogether.

Beware of women who say “Sudah makan, belum? Jangan lupa makan ya, nanti sakit lho…”. Trust me on this one.

Its easier to preach hatred and do-nots than it is to preach love and please-do.

At the intersection of Cipaganti Pasteur, from the direction of Cihampelas, there is a cigarette guy who has an uncanny resemblance to James Woods.

Asians, as a rule, do not understand the concept of privacy.

How can you disavow a religion if you never consciously converted? And no, your dad whispering into your ear when you were a baby does *not* count.

Those Things Women Say, Number 48: “I like a man with a sense of humor.” Ha!

If a girl on the internet asks you “kamu orang mana?” within the first 30 minutes, no need to ask her the same question. She’s chinese. Take my word for it.

The Harley Davidsons at Coffee Bean Plaza Senayan? Oh man, you really don’t want me to started on *those* guys…. pfeh!

My siblings and I are the first generation to use the name Darmono. And seeing our social lives as of late, looks like we’re gonna be the last, too. heh heh…

Have character. Try not to be one.

Skinny guys in hats actually try to be characters.

The type of parents who ask “dia anaknya siapa?” are not worthy of being parents. Or even human.

Please explain the concept, justification, and reasoning behind the theological “Hell” to me. Thank you. One more time, please.. without being so defensive about it.

Dude, if you have suspicions that she’s matre, well then hey, she most probably is, okay? Wake up and smell the nicotine, why don’t you.

Blood is thicker than water. And much tastier, too.

You know you work in advertising if you think Benyamin is cool. “I’m so hip and ironic, I amaze myself sometimes!”

My dad taught me that both a Rolex and a cheapo Casio will tell you pretty much the same time.

My dad also taught me to stay away from people who say “Its not about the time it tells, its what it says about you.”

But its never a good idea to wear a Rolex and Casio together. You’ll never know exactly what time it is.

If you ever watch an interview of the Dalai Lama, its pretty hard not to come away thinking “damn, he seems like a really, really pleasant and happy guy”, regardless of your personal beliefs.

If I ever have a daughter, I am going to name her “Lenowi”. It means “precious” in Cherokee.

A son? Hmm. Never really crossed my mind, to be honest.

My best ideas always come to me when I am in the shower. But only when alone, though.

Move to Bali once in your life. Leave before you start acting smugly superior to Jakartans.

Rempeyek: Even when its bad, its still pretty damn good.

The longer the CV, the less significant the accomplishments.

Genius is being intensely interested in one thing.  Happiness is being fairly interested in several things.  When was the last time you have ever heard of a happy genius?

Live in Jakarta for once in your life.  Leave before you start to sound gay.

Indonesia declared its independence a week after the U.S. dropped the atom bomb on Hiroshima.  You do the math.

Always leave the lowest button on a suit unbuttoned.

The easiest way to get a group of men into an argument is to have them start a campfire from zero.

Eating a juicy cheeseburger once a week will do as much harm to you as eating brocolli once a week would do you good.

A woman’s ego is directly proportional to the size of her sasak.

Never take a first date to a restaurant that has photographs of the food on the walls.

Smoking is poor taste.  Asking someone not to smoke is even worse.

Being liberated does not equal being happy.  Ask any Iraqi.  So whoever wrote "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness" made a lot of sense.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I think Buddhism is essentially a life long Pursuit of Happiness while causing minimal harm to others along the way.

Even the Javanese have a similar concept.  Its called "Moro Seneng".  Hundreds of nasgor guys can’t be wrong.

A person’s maturity level is inversely proportional to the length of the "About Me" section of the profile.

Except when it just says "baik hati dan tidak sombong!".  Thats pretty much beyond any hope whatsoever.

Never wear the same pair of shoes two days in a row.  This will extend the lifespan of the shoes as it has a period of 24 hours to return to its original shape.

Show me an idealist, and I’ll show you someone with no overhead to pay.

Remember those commercials where the husband comes home from work to her smiling wife and kids with a steaming bowl of instant noodles on the dinner table?  Man, if I had a wife and she ever did that, I would pack up and leave.  And I’ll be taking my malnourished children with me, thank you very much.

Just because I have a photographic memory of what you wear does not necessarily mean I have an opinion on it.

Educate a boy and you will educate a single person.  Educate a girl and you will educate an entire family.

Never trust a man who never swears.  Except if he swears in Javanese, then he is simply a bloody idiot.

From my experience, housewives who are desperate don’t look like that.  At all.

Pay attention on how your date treats the service staff at restaurants.  That is an indication how you will be treated in four years time.

When an anak pejabat tells you about the guns he owns, its basically his way of saying "Hey, not only am I rich, but my daddy also makes me above the law!"

When a chinese guy tells you about the guns he owns, its basically his was of saying "Hey, I may *look* timid, but you don’t wanna mess with me!"

I find it disturbing how much I identify, psychologically, with Seinfeld’s "George Costanza".  I’m not kidding on this one.

Never trust the type of guys who call you "bos".   And if you actually prefer being called that, no way in hell do I trust you.

There are absolutely no shortcuts to growing up.

Anyone who absolutely loves food has no illusions that he or she can easily be a chef.  So then why is it that any vacuumhead Plaza Senayan chick who likes shopping always thinks she can easily be, like, a fashion designer, y’know?  "If only papi didn’t make me take administrasi niaga instead, i coulda been one… secara gue kan banyak ide baju, geto lhow…"

The french are funny.  Sex is funny.  Comedies are funny.  So why aren’t french sex comedies ever funny?

Do I support smoking?  Of course I do.  Its the best thing to happen to population control since kondom dualima.

Ever known a so-called "paranormal" who has a well-adjusted and healthy relationship with his or her parents?  Think about it.

Real men cry when watching "Dead Poet’s Society".

If you wake up in the morning and find her gazing at your face, proceed with extreme caution.  She might actually have feelings for you.

Karedok does the body good. 

Women who always date rich or good looking men will always have a distant ex-boyfriend who isn’t.  And she will make sure you never, ever, ever forget that little fact.  So help you God.

Never humiliate a fellow man.  You may destroy his business, vandalize his car, stalk his children, or seduce his wife, but do have a sense of decency and never, ever humiliate the man.

The popcorn girl at Ciwalk 21 is really cute.  Please don’t tell her you read it here.