- vipertongue -

No man over the age of 18 should ever use more than one question mark at the end of a sentence.

The best villains walk slowly and speak with an accent. But never sundanese.

No song should ever have a line that starts with "Girl, …"

If you talk to God, its prayer. If He talks back to you, its mental illness.

Real men don’t use straws. Except with Teh Botol.

Weekends or weekdays? Weekdays, for sure. Except when I’ve been out drinking the night before.

Anyone who actually refers to himself as a "budayawan" deserves to be shot. Several times.

When you’re a kid, you have no idea how much your parents love you.

If tongseng had a name other than "tongseng", it would be a more popular dish. Think about it.

The loudest one at the table usually works in advertising.

My definition of a good movie is a movie that accomplishes what it intended to do in the first place. Period.

You are never as bad as people say you are. And you are never as good, either.

The type of people who say they don’t care about appearances, are usually the ones most judgmental of others.

The only difference between a religion and a cult is that one has more members than the other.

Ninety percent of your future happiness will be determined on your decision on who you marry. You can have all the money and fame you want, but if you chose the wrong person, you *will* be miserable. And yes, this applies to women too.

Never sleep with women with more troubles than you. Or women who broadcast their every thought and feeling in Yahoo Messenger status.

Deep down inside every long-haired woman, is a short-haired woman screaming to be let out.

Refrain from using more than one exclamation point per email.

The smart-ass hipper-than-thou one? Yup, in advertising too.

Why do women talk about "sisterhood" so much? Because deep down, they know they’d backstab and walk over each other when the opportunity presents itself.

The worse someone’s spelling is, the more chances he was educated in the US. Definately.

I’m 34 and overweight. My mom still worries if I am eating enough.

Trust me, you don’t want to marry the type of guy who prefers women with long hair.

There are three types of women. High maintenance women, low maintenance women, and high maintenance women who think they are low maintenance women.

The more religious a woman looks, the less likely she is to thank you as you hold open the door for her.

In movies, usually the skinny guy in a hat gets killed off first. If only life imitated art more…

What would you do for absolutely free? That is what you should do for a living.

Never let school get in the way of a good education.

There are three things you want in a vendor. Quality, fast, and cheap. But you will only get two out of three.

I don’t listen to bands with skinny guys who wear hats.

Its a rare person indeed, who offers advice and consolation with no self interest whatsoever.

Any profession that deals with appearances, such as fashion, makeup, or aerobics, has a higher percentage of neurotic insecure people.

My dad was always home for dinner. Always. Probably the best education I ever received.

When it comes to buying suits, buy the best you can afford. Quality over quantity. Because each time you open your closet, time and time again, that will be the one you choose over the others.

Why do I think Evil exists? Because there are women out there who do not like ice cream or chocolate.

Your profession should be one of your hobbies. But not all hobbies can be your profession.

Charcoal grey is not black. Its charcoal grey. So no, I do not wear black all the time.

Never, ever, wear a buttondown shirt unbuttoned. Or a tabbed collar without a tie.

If you go by the rules, you’ll end up becoming an accountant. With a name like Agnesia Laurensia. And wearing white shoes. And saying "GBU!" all the time.

If you are skinny, don’t wear a hat.

When shaving, as in life, always go against the grain.

Cigarettes should be illegal.

The more time you spend complaining about something, the less time you will have to find a solution.

Women who love fashion are like men who love cars. Go figure that out.

When was the last time someone was killed in the name of Satan? I think he needs a better public relation consultant.

People you consider normal are simply people you just don’t know very well.

When in doubt, use leather.

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

– Margaret Atwood

Taken a picture naked?
The last time I did that, the model I was shooting took one look at me and slowly shook her head in utter pity.

Made out with a member of the same sex?
No.  Sheeesh, whaddaya think I am, a fashion designer or something?!

Danced in front of your mirror?
Yes, and the mirror begged to be put out of its misery.  Even agreed to skip the whole "seven years of bad luck" thing…

Told a lie?
Absolutely never.  This bulletinboard is a testimonial to that.  Keep reading.

Been in a fist fight?
Yes.  And only one walked away to write in bulletinboards.   If that ain’t a life well lived, I don’t know what is.

Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?
Ah, the story of my life.

Been arrested?
Remember the photoshoot I mentioned?  Now you know what I was arrested for.

Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?
No.  Sheeesh, whaddaya think I am, a fashion designer or something?!

Seen someone die?
The slower the better.  Oh yes…

Kissed a picture?
Yes.. a picture of myself in all its glory.  *sigh.

Slept in until 3?
To be technical, it was more like "passed out".

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?
Cumulus, stratus, nekkid chick, nimbus…

Played dress up?
Luke Skywalker (using my karate uniform), Ace Frehley (used up all of mom’s tin foil), and The Crow (but with runny make-up and love handles).

Fallen asleep at work?
Aren’t you glad I’m not an air traffic controller?  Granted, falling asleep with a full pincushion on my wrist wasn’t very fun either…

Felt an earthquake?
With my current weight, i was probably the bloody epicenter.

Made out with a total stranger?
After several vodka tonics, she started to resemble Penelope…

Touched a snake?
Yup, ate it too.  Tastes like chicken.

Ran a red light?
Yes.

Had detention?
Yup.  Ended up with Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy, singing Simple Minds’ "(don’t you) forget about me".

Been in a car accident?
Please refer to the question before the last one.

Pole danced?
Never been to Poland.  Now, tell me, is it a coincidence that the Poles and Indonesians share the same flag?  Oh I beg to differ.

Been lost?
Ever heard of the song "I Lobster, but I Flounder"?  No? 

Sang karaoke?
I have all Michael Learns to Rock songs memorized by heart.  They complete me.

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?
Yes.  Fill out a friendster bulletinboard.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
Yes.  Thats why I don’t dance naked in front of the mirror anymore.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Whoever wrote this watches too many chick flicks.

Kissed in the rain?
Yes, while hanging upside down, and Kirsten Dunst was wearing a thin wet fuchsia top.  **sigh.

Sang in the shower?
Yes.  My favorite shower tune is the theme from Alfred Hitchcock’s "Psycho".

Got your tongue stuck to a pole?
Yes, while pole dancing in a Canadian winter.  Stretched out my tongue.  Oh, I can also breathe thru my ears too.

Ever gone to school partially naked?
I never let nudity get in the way of a good education.

Sat on a roof top?
How else are you supposed to covet thy neighbour’s wife?  From the porch?  Sheesh.

Gotten in a car with people you just met?
Sure. Angkot Cicaheum - Ledeng.

Played chicken?
Yes.  The chicken was not amused.  So I decided to stir fry him with kacang mede instead.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
Yes.  If they pushed me in nekkid, it would traumatize the marine life.

Been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?
Yes, and said back to her "Hot gets cold, baby.. but cool, is forever."  *snap!*

Broken a bone?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but thermonuclear weapons will never hurt me.

Mooned/flashed someone?
Yes.  She ended up rolling on the floor, laughing.

Forgotten someone’s name?
Yes.  Whats the point of being self centred if you have to remember names?

Slept naked?
No.  Its very uncomfortable.  ’nuff said.

Blacked out from drinking?
Yes.  I downed a whole bottle of Green Sands in under 60 seconds.  Not recommended.

Played a prank on someone? Y
Yes.  Sent an email to Bush on WMDs in Iraq.  In retrospect, not the most brilliant of ideas.

Felt like killing someone? N
"Do, or do not!  There is no feel!" - Yoda, Jedi Master.

Made a parent cry?
Yes, whenever I pick up my date.  Sheeesh, its not like I don’t return her home on time.  Untraumatized.  In one piece.

Cried over someone?
Penelope.  Her loss.  Matthew ain’t got nothin’ on me. 

Had sex more than 10 times in one day?
No.  When the flesh was strong, the wallet was weak.  By the time the wallet was strong,… alas, the flesh hath weakened.  O woe is me. 

Had/Have a dog?
Nope.  But I had a cat that looked like a genetic hybrid of polarbear and jackfruit.  Blanca will be sorely missed.

Been in a band?
Yes. I was "JC" of "JC and the Last Temptations".  Played air guitar.

Drank 25 sodas in a day?
Sodas?  Whoever wrote this is not of drinking age yet.

Shot a gun?
Smith and Wesson .44 Magnum with hollow point rounds: Never leave home without it.  Are ya feelin’ lucky, punk?

Ever wanted to kill an ex?
Ate her liver with fava beans and a nice chianti.

Hmm. The idea that people would be interested to know my daily thoughts. Its the end of civilization as we know it.

I can make the effort to sound cute and witty and impress you by pretending to be some international bright young thing. 

But I really can’t be bothered to do so.

Yes, I’m 33 years old and haven’t gone beyond adolescent cynicism.